#and yeah having been there semi annually it is accurate

[unproduciblesmackdown]

has happened plenty around iconis goings on but what an all-timer

[sl-vega]

0.1; retired theater kids-(y/n's squad)

project: love liason! - a scaramouche smau

y/n:

hopelessly in love with childe (has been since freshman year) you are on fairly good terms with him, (even if half of your interactions play out in your head rather than reality)

(ridiculously) hopeful romantic

you were the one who started your friend group after you met everyone else in a drama camp during eighth grade (hence the name retired theater kids)

the "responsible" friend (even though the general consensus is that lynette and navia are the actual responsible ones)

mona:

your best friend and scara's academic "rival". having been forced to have tons of classes together in the past two years, mona and him have been pretty cut throat when it comes to them competing with each other

mona finds him insufferable, and has vented to you about him on numerous occasions, even though you've never even met the guy

super into astrology and zodiacs

she's well known around campus for having scary accurate predictions

"that wasn't on your 2024 bingo card? well it was on MINE."

furina:

president of the drama club at your school, and is often put in charge of directing all of the drama club's shows

she used to be a semi-popular child actress that frequently appeared in famous kids shows, but she took a break recently to focus more on her directing career

was essentially a guarantee for any lead in school productions when she was younger

absolute drama queen

navia frequently keeps her up to date with all the latest gossip so she's a real treat to talk to

lyney:

lynette's older twin brother, and a part time magician for kids birthday parties

one of the girls

also a member of the drama club

both an actor and member of the stage crew as he helps with special effects for productions as well

wants to continue working in the film industry after high school

bounces around as a freelance worker instead of being tied down to a specific gig despite having many offers from several places

says that if he waits the salary offers will get higher

lynette:

lyney's younger twin sister and part time magic assistant

her brother often jokes that she ditched him, but she just preferred to explore her own interests outside of lyney's career

member of both the drama club and science club

unlike lyney she only helps with behind the scenes work

most notably special effects, but she's more interested in the scientific aspect of making it work

navia:

DEFINITION of an fbi friend

knows everything about everyone, does loyalty tests on people's boyfriend's sometimes if they pay her

picks up crazy amounts of info, and has a shit ton of connections to tons of people and places

doesn't disclose how she finds out all of this

the type of friend that can find someone only by their first initial

give her a single piece of info and BOOM

she has their full legal name, all their social media accounts, the location of the grocery store they frequent, and their parent's Facebook pages

currently in a situation ship with chlorinde

additional notes:

profiles are out!

not much I wanna say but yeah :D

i'll try my best to do frequent updates

if you wanna be tagged just send me an ask/comment!

𝜗𝜚 SYNOPSIS: you're head over heels in love with childe, and scaramouche is (begrudingly) smitten with his "rival" mona. and, by sheer divine coincidence, you both happen to be the best friends of each other's objects of affection, so you strike a deal with each other. if scaramouche helps you ask out childe, you'll set him up with mona. so with the annual spring formal right around the corner, the two of you vow to be each other's wingmans so you can end your junior year on a high note (and maybe even kick off your senior year with a new relationship!). between, scheming, planning, and researching, you and scaramouche find yourselves developing a new relationship via helping each other out. now the real question is whether this friendship will remain as a pure platonic bond, or blossom into something more?

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🎀 - taglist!;

@agaygothicmushroom, @035814, @freyao7, @sketcheeee, @tsukimara, @shyentsmissingink, @justpeachyteastea, @aries-afk, @lxkeeeee, @sakiimeo, @sugxryratz, @shutingstar, @lalaloveallmydays, @bellflower1257, @haruumei, @kichiyosh1, @littlemisssatanist, @dee-zbignuts, @candyescapism, @crimxeorcremeexistspeacefully

[luffles424]

Tips & Teases

☼ Pairing: Seokjin x reader

☼ Genre: fluff, smut, pwp (with some plot), skating carhop!reader, diner cook!Seokjin, coworkers 2 lovers

☼ Count: 13.1K

☼ Warnings: 18+, teasing, dom!Seokjin, brat!reader, some possessiveness, big dick!Seokjin, manhandling, mirror sex (sort of, it’s actually a window, but it’s still a reflection), semi public sex, clothed sex, dirty talk, degradation (lots of use of the word slut), spanking, spitting, assplay, pussy spanking, fingering, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, hair pulling, ass worship, ass eating, orgasm denial, oral (f receiving), squirting, choking, unprotected, creampie, aftercare

☼ Summary: Jimin’s annual Halloween costume party presents you the perfect excuse to tease Seokjin, using the party as an excuse to wear flirty costumes to work to try to provoke a response in the man. Are you really prepared for what happens when he snaps?

☼ a/n: This one got a little bit away from me lmao But I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think! My ask box is always open ~ 💙💙💙💙

☼ Written for @btsholidaybingo​​​​ to fill the square costume party

“What the fuck are you wearing?”

You glance up at the exclamation, seeing Seokjin leaning against the counter in the pass through, brows furrowed as he takes in your seated form. You hide your smirk by ducking your head to finish tying your skates. It’s not fully the reaction you were hoping for but you’re hoping that’ll change once you stand up and he sees it fully. You thought long and hard on what you were going to wear. You have backups, but you decided to start easy on him. But you were fully prepared to escalate. 

Skates tied, you push yourself up and give a little spin to fully show off your outfit. And to maybe let the already fairly short skirt flair and rise a little higher as you move. You come to a stop facing Seokjin once more, innocent smile tugging your lips as your toe stop presses into the ground to keep you in place. You smooth down the skirt, though the layers of tulle keep it from laying completely flat.  

Seokjin’s eyes drag over your form and you wait with baited breath for his reaction. This was all part of your plan to tease and fluster him. “Again, what the fuck are you wearing?”

You pout. That’s still not what you were expecting, though you think you can just make out the tips of his ears turning red. You put a hand on your hip. “It’s October.”

His head tilts. “Yeah and Halloween isn’t for another two weeks. It doesn’t explain this getup.”

You scoff. “Halloween is all month, first of all. And Jimin’s costume party is coming up and I couldn’t decide on what to wear so I decided to try them out at work first.” You bat your lashes at him, forcing down a smirk. “Does that mean you don’t like it?”

His mouth opens then snaps closed as his cheeks dusted with pink. “There’s no way that Namjoon approved that,” he deflects. Interesting.

You look down at the costume. It’s a fairly generic ‘sexy’ waitress costume. Red with yellow stripes that matches the overall aesthetic of your little drive in diner. The skirt hits above midthigh, puffed out by tulle, so the skirt bounces a little more with each movement along with a small ruffled apron with a pocket that isn’t actually usable. The buttons stop at the right point to give a more than ample display of cleavage. And you’ve paired the whole thing with a set of thigh high socks, leaving only a tantalizing glimpse of your thighs on display. 

You look back up and quirk an eyebrow, smirking. “Joonie was with me when I bought it.”

A ding sounds and you both turn to look at the wall where the board for the all parking spots sits, a light glowing beside the number 12. You swipe one of the order pads and a pen from the counter and move to the door to outside. You give him a wink before nudging the door open with your hip and skating out to the waiting car. 

Seokjin scowls after you and then pulls out his phone, dialing Namjoon’s number. 

Namjoon picks up after a few rings. “Is someone dying or is the building on fire?”

Seokjin frowns, watching as he watches you laugh as you speak with the people in the car. “What?”

“Is someone dying or is the building on fire?”

“I… well no-”

“Then why are you calling me? Jin, it’s my only day off and I know you’re at Omelas right now, so this is clearly a work related call.” Namjoon sighs. He sounds a little tired and Seokjin suddenly worries that he woke him up even though it’s 4 in the afternoon. The manager works far too much for his own good.

“Did you really tell Y/n she could wear a waitress costume to work?”

There’s a pause and then Namjoon chuckles. “Wow she really wore it? Man, her tips are going to be great today.”

Seokjin’s about to respond when he catches sight of you leaning over to speak to another car, back facing him, and the action causes your skirt to rise further up your thighs. He swallows and jerks his gaze away, glaring at the grill and cursing that it’s slow and he has nothing to keep him busy right now. He needs a distraction to keep from just watching you longer. 

Namjoon continues when Seokjin remains silent. “Yes, I said she could wear it. It’s the season and I’m sure it’ll appeal to customers to see them skating in costume and it’ll boost business. Hm, I should probably make up some rules cause I worry what Jimin will wear,” he finishes, seeming to be speaking more to himself. 

“I think it’s dumb.” Seokjin mutters petulantly. Dumb is definitely not how he’d truly describe it. It’s more frustrating, maddening, distracting. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to focus on work when you’re flitting around looking like that. Maybe he can switch future shifts so he doesn’t have to work the same time as you. 

Namjoon snorts. “Noted. Is that all?”

Seokjin mutters a yes and Namjoon hangs up with a warning to call again only if there’s an emergency. His hand drops back to his side in defeat. Namjoon was the only one who could save him and he apparently is more worried about Jimin’s costume than yours. He stares at the grill, he had really hoped that Namjoon would back him up. He’s not ready for this shift. Maybe he can call Taehyung or Yoongi to come cover and he can fake being sick or something.

The door opens and he looks up, deflating slightly when he sees that it’s just Jungkook, who immediately flashes him a sheepish smile.

“You’re late,” he snaps. He knows he’s not really mad at Jungkook. They’re all guilty of being a little late, but he has nowhere else to channel the feelings simmering just under his skin.

Jungkook grins and tosses his bag into the cubby behind the counter along with his boots before moving back around to sit to put his skates on. “I’m not that late. Besides,” he glances out the glass front doors to where a group of guys have sat at one of the picnic tables under the awning. You stand with a hip cocked, giggling at something one of them has said. “Seems like Y/n’s got everything handled right now.”

“Just get to work before I tell Namjoon you were late again.”

Jungkook stands, shit-eating grin firmly in place as he glances out the window pointedly. “Pretty sure you wouldn’t do that.” And before Seokjin can respond, he skates out the door to see who you want him to take.

Seokjin doesn’t know how he’s going to survive this shift. 

The next time that Seokjin works a shift with you, he encounters Jimin first. A very shirtless Jimin who’s back is to him when he enters the building. 

“Jimin, what the fuck?”

Jimin turns and grins, quickly moving around the counter so Seokjin can see the full extent of his costume. Or more accurately, his lack of clothing. Because the only thing on Jimin right now that counts as clothing is the tight pair of black shorts that barely even really cover his thick thighs. The only other things on him are a pair of suspenders, a green tie, and two black x’s that cover his nipples. 

Seokjin blinks. “What the fuck are you even supposed to be?”

Jimin adjusts the thick black glasses on his face with a grin. “Class president,” he states proudly. 

Seokjin scoffs. “What fucking class president looks like that?”

Jimin pouts. “Well I was class president. So me.”

Seokjin shakes his head. “Does Namjoon know you’re wearing this? There’s no way he allowed this.”

 “We compromised.”

Seokjin lifts a brow, looking over Jimin’s “costume” once more. “Where’s the compromise?”

He points proudly to the pasties. “These are. And I have a jacket for when the sun goes down and it gets colder.” He turns and grabs the two drinks he had been working on and moves towards the door. “Isn’t Y/n’s costume idea great?” he adds before exiting the building. He also very much does not like your costume idea. He can already feel his sanity fraying with just the thought of working another shift with you in that little waitress getup. 

“That’s… not a compromise.” Seokjin says weakly as he turns to put his bag away, knowing that even if Jimin did hear it, he wasn’t going to respond. 

However you happen to enter and catch what he said and you giggle. “You don’t want to know about the rest of the compromise, Jinnie.”

He’s about to respond; say that he can certainly imagine what the compromise was because Jimin has never been shy about telling everyone how he managed to talk Namjoon into very not Namjoon situations. His words die in his throat though when he catches sight of you as you begin to get some drinks. Nothing about last time prepared him for this. Because you’re not wearing the waitress costume tonight. Oh no, apparently that would have been too simple. You have a different costume on. 

You have thigh high socks on, though these are thicker than the other ones you had worn. There’s a lot more thigh on display as well thanks to the short, white athletic shorts you’re wearing, paired with a cropped white jersey emblazoned with ‘Tune Squad.’ And finishing off the look is a pair of tan and white bunny ears perched on your head and what he discovers when you turn to grab something and much to his horror, is the matching fluffy tail settled right on top of the swell of your ass. 

When you turn back, he has to quickly jerk his gaze away from staring at your ass longer. There’s a knowing smirk when his eyes finally meet yours, like you knew what putting the tail on would do.

Seokjin clears his throat. “And what are you supposed to be?”

You gasp in mock horror, hands coming up to rest over your heart like he’s physically hurt you. “You can’t be serious!” When he doesn’t say anything else, you shake your head in disappointment. “Space Jam is a classic and you’re a heathen for not recognizing Lola Bunny. Shame on you,” you tut. You gather your drinks on a tray and move towards the door, pausing as your back presses against the glass to cast Seokjin an appraising look. “Suppose I’ll have to look for a Bugs Bunny then, hm?” 

And with a wink, you’re nudging the door open and skating out to a table full of guys and Seokjin bristles at the way some of them blatantly stare at your ass. His mind belatedly catches on your parting words and he wonders what you meant. Was it directed at him? Did you want him to be your Bugs? He doubts that, he can’t recall a moment of you ever expressing interest in him as anything more than a friend. Maybe you were making a joke about how you needed someone else to help your costume be more recognizable. Though Seokjin knew what your costume was when he saw it. He just didn’t know what else to say without saying something incriminating.

A snicker has his head whipping around to see Taehyung standing over the grill, eyes trained on the food in front of him.

“And what do you find so funny?” Seokjin asks, tugging his apron off the hook on the wall to put on. 

“You,” he answers simply, flipping one of the burgers in front of him.

Seokjin makes a face. “I don’t recall making a joke.”

Taehyung looks up at him with a boxy grin. “Oh, no. Your jokes aren’t funny. But the way her ass made you so stupid that you forgot a movie is hilarious. I know for a fact that you’ve seen it at least once because we’ve watched it together.”

Seokjin feels his cheeks heat. Taehyung’s not wrong. He probably would’ve recognized the costume as Lola a lot faster if he hadn’t been almost immediately faced with your ass stretching the fabric and the way the cottontail perched just above it in a way that could only draw you to stare. He scowls, he can’t let Taehyung know he’s right. They all tease him enough as is, this would just be one more thing to add to the pile. He moves over to the younger man and tugs the spatula from his hand.

“Aren’t you supposed to be off work now? Go enjoy your freedom.”

Taehyung only takes a few steps away, perching on the stool they keep behind the counter with a smug look. 

Seokjin sighs. “What?”

He gestures to the food before Seokjin. “That’s my food.”

Seokjin blinks for a moment before groaning. He really played himself here. Now he has no choice but to finish Taehyung’s food.

Seokjin’s positive that he’s prepared for the next time he sees you. He knows to expect something different. And honestly, nothing could be worse than those shorts. Jungkook is there first and Seokjin groans when he sees him. 

“She got to you too?” He whines, looking over the younger man. 

At least his shorts are a more acceptable length than Jimin’s were. And he’s wearing an actual shirt. Really the only thing that signifies that he’s wearing a costume is the pair of bunny ears on his head. Actually, Seokjin’s positive that they’re the ones you were wearing for your Lola Bunny costume. Which confirms that you’re going to be wearing something else. But it’s fine. Seokjin can handle it. 

Jungkook grins and glances out to where a table full of giggling girls sits. “I mean, she had a pretty good idea. The tips have been really good lately.”

“Don’t listen to his grumpy ass, Kookie. You make an adorable bun.” You grin, walking through the door. Seokjin’s eyes trail over your frame immediately, greedy to see what you’re wearing, but all you’ve got on is a thigh length trench coat. “He’s just jealous that no one gets to see his costume.”

Jungkook chuckles as he leaves and it takes Seokjin a moment to realize that he should respond. He frowns. “I’m not wearing a costume.”

Your mouth forms an ‘oh’ of exaggerated surprise, hand coming up to your chest. “You’re not?” 

Your gaze slowly drags over his form and Seokjin suddenly feels a little self conscious that he’s just in sweats and a white shirt. It’s not much, but no one really sees him in here so he just went for comfort today. The way your eyes linger where his apron is tied, accentuating his tiny waist before trailing up to where his biceps stretch his sleeves has the tips of his ears coloring red quickly. He wishes he had longer hair so that you couldn’t see them right now. Then your lips quirk up into a teasing grin.

“Could’ve fooled me. You’ve got the perfect Bob Belcher look going on here, Jinnie.”

Seokjin’s face twists. Bob Belcher? Seriously? That’s how you see him. He scowls, looking over your outfit. “And just what are you supposed to be? A flasher?”

You giggle at his statement, pulling something golden from your bag. A moment later, you’re placing it on your head and he realizes that it’s a short, 4 pointed, gold crown with 4 alternating blue and red gems that sits on a headband so that it stays in place. It looks so familiar but he can’t place why. 

You give him a wry smile. “No, of course not. I had to run to the store so I threw a coat on.”

He rolls his eyes. “Is your costume that-”

He cuts himself off as you slowly slip your jacket off, head tilted as you watch him closely. Now he realizes why the crown looked familiar. Because it’s Princess Peach’s crown. Because apparently you’ve decided to dress like every fantasy he had when he was young once he discovered the Mario games. 

The dress is much shorter than Peach’s is, your’s sits high on your thighs and dips low to show a generous amount of cleavage. You have thigh high white tights one that only accentuate the sliver of thigh that you have on display much the same way your waitress costume did. But this is somehow worse and Seokjin suddenly very much regrets wearing sweatpants today of all days. At least he’s got the apron on.

He turns back to the grill, but the image of you dressed like that will be burned into his brain forever. He might actually die. 

You giggle and he hears the sound of your skates as you move towards the door. “Just have to find a Mario. We’d be so cute together.” And with that you skate out.

Seokjin’s thrilled that it’s finally the day of the party and that it’s finally Halloween. It means he won’t have to deal with you in your costumes anymore. He honestly doesn’t think he can handle anything else after the Peach costume. Or even seeing the Peach costume again. He has no idea what you’ll be wearing tonight and he is torn on which he wants you to wear. 

Yoongi is manning the grill when Seokjin gets there because it’s a Friday so their shifts overlap for the dinner rush before Seokjin will close down for the night. And he saw Hoseok out taking care of a few customers, but he’s unsure if Hoseok was working the earlier shift or if he took Jimin’s shift so the younger man could set up for the party. He hopes it’s the latter, he worries who would come to replace him if he worked the earlier shift. 

He gives him a nod of acknowledgement before focusing again on the grill as Seokjin gets ready for his shift. He had seriously considered skipping the party later since he’s closing and it means he’d get there late. But it’s Jimin’s party and not only would the younger harass him until he came, he also knows it’ll go late into the evening and so his closing shift won’t affect anything. But the late time does mean that he decided to wear his costume to work, well one of them. He has a second one in his car, a stupid idea just in case you happened to wear Peach again. He knows it’s fairly unlikely, but he supposes that the Mario costume sitting on the car seat is at least a little comforting. Maybe an easy way for him to possibly ask you out. Or just embarrass himself. At least it’ll be at a party and he can drink himself silly when he gets rejected. 

But for now, he’s content with his costume. It at least won’t get a snarky comment from you comparing him to Bob Belcher. Because he actually put a little thought into this costume and he’s pretty proud that he managed to pull together such a good Geralt costume. His hair currently being bleach blond also helped give him the idea. The wig for proper accuracy and sword are in his car, they seemed a little impractical to work in, but the rest of the costume was pretty comfortable. The higher waisted pants are different but he thinks they’re pretty flattering and form fitting and the shirt is just billowy enough to give the illusion that he’s a little buffer than he really is. 

The most telling part of the costume is the wolf head medallion hung around his neck. Which he hopes people recognize for what it is and don’t just think he’s wearing some fancy, period style clothes. Plus wearing it now meant that he didn’t have to change either at work while trying to close or show up to the party and change there. And he’s incredibly thankful that Jungkook, nerd that he is, not only had a sword for him to borrow, but actually had a replica specifically of Geralt’s sword. 

Seokjin tugs his apron from the rack, back to the door when he hears it open. He hears Yoongi let out a low whistle. 

“I don’t know who’s attention you’re trying to catch, but consider it caught.” 

Seokjin turns, curious as to who and what Yoongi is talking about and he feels his breath catch in his throat. Because apparently fate is cruel and has decided that you of course would pick up Jimin’s shift and would be the one who closes with him. He licks his lips as his gaze slowly trails over you. 

He doesn’t even know what to take in first. Your black dress is low cut and short, your legs covered in lacy floral tights. But the most distracting part is the glittering body cage that sits over your dress. It cages your breasts in and accentuates them even more than the dress, extended up your chest to form a collar around your throat. Thinner strips cover your shoulders and upper arms, forming a parody of sleeves. The strands curve around your hips, the ends coming together to form a point that just touches the hem of the dress. 

A medallion hangs at your throat, the circular bronze marked with a starburst. You grin at Yoongi as you slip a lace mask on that sits delicately over your eyes. He realizes that you’re dressed as Yennifer. God and not just any outfit, a much skimpier version of the outfit from the orgy scene of all scenes. How is he supposed to survive this shift now?

There’s no way that you knew what he was wearing. This just has to be all a weird coincidence. A very very weird coincidence that has rendered him completely speechless. You glance at him with the ghost of a smile on your lips as you take a seat to swap your ankle boots out for your skates. He gets another brief glance before you’re skating out to join Hoseok outside.

“You’ve got it bad, dude.”

Seokjin jerks at the words, tearing his gaze from your ass to glare at Yoongi. “What are you talking about?”

Yoongi gives him a flat look. “Come on, everyone can see your massive crush on her.” Seokjin shoots a worried glance to where you stand talking to a car and Yoongi gives a chuckle and shake of his head. “Okay, maybe everyone but her. But dude, come on. How long are you going to pine for? Just go for it already.”

“But-”

“There is no but here dude. It wouldn’t make work awkward and it’s very clearly not one-sided. Just ask her.” 

Seokjin huffs. He wants to believe Yoongi, he really does. But he worries that you only flirt with him to see his ears turn red and to tease him. You flirt with the others too and it’s hard to tell if you are just flirty in a friendly way or if you truly want more. And he’d hate to make you uncomfortable at work by making a move on you. He turns and chooses instead to ignore Yoongi for the remainder of their shared shift. It’ll get busy anyway so it’s not like he’ll have to try too hard to avoid any further conversation on the topic of you. Something Seokjin would very much like to keep out of his mind given if he thinks about you for too long, it’s going to go straight to your outfit and he doesn’t really need to pop another boner at work while trying to cook. 

Seokjin gets through almost his entire shift with his sanity intact. There’s 30 minutes until close and there’s only one table here. They seem interested in only getting some drinks, so Seokjin takes the opportunity to slip his apron off and begins cleaning up and getting some of the closing duties out of the way so that he can get out of here sooner and go get very drunk at Jimin’s party and try to pretend that he didn’t nearly see your ass tonight when you bent over in front of him earlier. There was a flash of skin from beneath your skirt and Seokjin had to go spend a few minutes in the freezer. When he came out you looked far too amused.

Seokjin glances out the window, realizing that you haven’t been back inside for a little while and worrying that maybe something happened. But all he sees is you chatting with a table of guys. He’s about to get back to cleaning when one of the guys reaches out to run his fingers down your arm. There’s a coy smile on your face and Seokjin clenches his jaw. He glances at the clock. 5 minutes. 

He debates just kicking them out now. It’s not like Namjoon would fire him for it. He doubts they would even bother complaining beyond making a fuss before they leave. But then your hand comes up to touch his shoulder, just for a moment, and Seokjin’s resolve snaps. He snatches their receipt from the counter where you left it and stalks out of the building. 

You glance up at the sound of the door, smiling a little when you see Seokjin exiting. You and the group of guys startle slightly when he slams his hand onto the table, revealing the bill when he pulls away. 

“We’re closed,” he snarls, grabbing you and directing you back inside. 

You stumble slightly, skates leaving you slightly off balance for the sudden movement but you manage to steady yourself by grabbing Seokjin’s bicep with your free hand and allow him to pull you along inside. He leaves you at the counter as he stomps to the back, muttering something under his breath. You look back outside, seeing the guys exchanging confused looks but they place some money on the table and shuffle off, likely not wanting to see what else Seokjin does when he gets angry. 

You squirm slightly, you’ve never seen him so angry, it’s incredibly hot. Especially with him dressed as Geralt tonight. You wait patiently, watching as the outside lights are shut off and then most of the inside ones as well, casting the kitchen in a faint blue glow from the auxiliary lights that remain on no matter what. 

A moment later Seokjin returns, face set in a harsh look of displeasure. You fight down a grin at pushing him far enough to finally get a reaction. He pauses in front of you, glancing behind you briefly, likely to check that the men have actually left. There’s a soft hum from him that makes your lips twitch up in a small smile and when he catches sight of it, his eyes darken. 

“Something amusing to you, sweetheart?” His cold tone sends a shiver down your spine. 

You blink up at him with faux innocence. “Nothing at all, Jinnie.”

His gaze trails slowly over your face and then he’s reaching and removing the delicate lace mask from your face and tossing it to the counter behind you. 

“I don’t think you’re being honest with me,” he murmurs. He leans forward and your breath catches in your throat, thinking he’s going to kiss you, but he bypasses your mouth, lips brushing your ear as he continues to speak. “I think you did this on purpose and you find it very amusing.”

Your body tingles at his tone, at the way he laces a threat into the seemingly innocuous words. He leans back and you only get a second to admire his smirk before he’s spinning you around and pushing your upper half down against the counter. It takes you a second to get your feet under you with the skates hindering you slightly, but you manage to get yourself stabilized and balanced on your toe stops. 

You plant your hands on the counter to keep stable and glance over your shoulder, only to have your face roughly turned forward once more towards the window. It’s dark out and you know it would be hard to see into the dim windows from the street, but if anyone happens to walk closer, they’d be able to see everything. The thought sends a thrill through you. A hand lands on your ass, cushioned by your dress, but the sudden impact still draws a gasp from your lips. 

“I think,” Jin pauses, fingers trailing lightly across the curve of your ass, “that you have planned all of this with just me in mind, hm?” You don’t know whether he actually wants you to respond or not, but he continues before you can voice anything. “I think someone has been a very bad girl,” the hand on your ass stops and his fingers dig into the flesh harshly. “And that someone needs to be punished,” he finishes with a hiss. 

His hand lands another smack on your ass, a little harder this time, and you feel the slight sting heat your skin. You feel your panties dampen and you squirm as well as you can given the way you have to hold your feet still lest you slip. His hands grope at your cheeks before they slide down enough for him to hook his thumbs under the fabric and he tugs the hem of your dress up and over your ass. 

The hands pause then tighten around the fabric of your dress and you hear him swear under his breath at the sight of your ass clad in black lacy panties, ones that closely resemble your mask, and framed by the lace garter straps of your tights. 

“Fuck… You really did plan this all out…” His hand leaves you again before coming down with a resounding smack, no longer padded by your dress and your thin panties do little to cushion the blow. A moan slips from your lips and Seokjin lets out a dark chuckle. “Oh, are you enjoying your punishment? Well, we’ll just have to fix that, hm?”

He spanks you again, harder this time and you whimper. He hums in approval, hand smoothing over the smarting skin for a moment before he spanks the other cheek just as hard. Your toes curl in your skates at the pleasure-pain that shoots through you. 

Seokjin tsks. “Hm, this just won’t do.” He mutters, seemingly more to himself because you have no idea what he could be thinking until his hand grabs the back of your panties, gathering a fistful of the fabric. It elastic pulls tight across your hips, digging into the skin to the point of discomfort. You whine, trying to push your hips up to relieve the sting but Seokjin just moves with, keeping his grip tight. Then he’s pulling harder, the elastic digging painfully into your skin followed by the sound of seams ripping. A final tug and the fabric tears completely, leaving your ass and pussy bear to Seokjin’s gaze. 

A shudder ripples through you at the display. You can’t believe he just ripped your panties off. You can’t believe how much the action turns you on too. 

A pleased noise rumbles in his chest as the scrap of lace is slipped into his pocket. “That’s much better.”

His hands are back on your ass, no barrier to keep you from feeling the warmth from his palms and the slightly roughened fingertips as they skim across your skin. You push into the touch, greedy for more of the soothing strokes. He chuckles, fingers slipping beneath the garter straps. He tugs them away from your skin before releasing them to let them snap against your skin. 

“Seokjin-” you start, only to be quickly cut off by a sharp smack. 

“Bad girls don’t get to speak unless spoken too, slut.”

You swallow, pussy clenching at his tone. Of all the things you imagined, you never quite imagined something like this. His hand smooths across your skin for a moment before delivering another spank. 

“How many more do you think you deserve, slut?” he muses, hand remaining where it landed with his last smack. 

“I-”

Another smack. “That was rhetorical. I don’t actually take the opinions of sluts.” His hand rubs at your warmed skin for a moment in thought. “I think 20 sounds fair. For all your little stunts with those costumes. For flirting with other guys where I can see. For teasing.” He pauses for a moment and when he speaks again, the harsh edge is gone. “Green means continue, yellow for slow down, and red I stop. Okay?”

It takes you a second to realize what he’s said and then you’re quickly nodding, excitement mounting at what could possibly be to come.

“I need words, princess,” he murmurs, voice softer than it has been since he brought you inside and it makes you melt a little. 

“Yes, I understand.”

“That’s the first time you’ve been good all night, sweetheart.” You can hear the smirk in his voice and it makes you clench at the mean implications that come with such a simple statement. “But now let’s see if you can keep your good girl streak going while you get punished.” Both hands leave you and you want to turn around and look at him, see what he’s doing, but you feel it will only prompt further punishment. “I want you to count. And if you miss one, then we start all over again, got it?”

You’re nodding before he even finishes speaking, trying your best to keep from squirming. “Yes, sir.”

He chuckles. “Such a good girl now,” he coos.

And then his hand is coming down on your ass, softer than his previous smacks and the gentleness makes you gasp. He pauses and waits and you belatedly let a 'one' slip from your lips. He hums in approval and delivers a smack to the other cheek, still just as soft and you murmur a quiet 'two.'

You squirm. You'd expected more harsh hits and the contrast has you aching for him to go a little rougher with you. He smacks again and again. Every slap of his palm against you only adds to the growing pleasurable sting that radiates across the whole surface of your ass.

He stops when he gets to ten, hands rubbing over the warm flesh. "Color?"

"Green, so green," you whine, pushing your ass back into his hands.

He chuckles. "You're so eager for your punishment that I'm starting to think that it might not be a very good punishment." His hand comes down, much harder than any previous spank and you cry out. "Ah, there we go."

Seokjin sounds so indifferent when he speaks, like he's not even bothered by your bare ass and the noises that slip from you with every connection. You wish you could see his face, see if there is any reaction he has. You want to see the indifference as he’s faced with your bare, dripping pussy and spank warmed ass. The next four spanks are just as harsh and tears gather, threatening to fall. It's so pleasurably painful that you can feel yourself dripping down your thighs. He gives you another small reprieve, hands ghosting along your smarting skin as you pant against the counter.

"Hm, there we go, that’s much better. Color?"

You squeeze your eyes closed, taking a moment to try to gather your foggy thoughts. You feel a few tears drip down your cheeks. "G-green."

His fingers dig into your ass then and you whine as you try to squirm away from the sudden flare of pain. Seokjin just chuckles again and digs his fingers in more. He pulls your cheeks apart and you gasp at being suddenly far more exposed. You clench at the burst of cool air across your asshole and pussy, and Seokjin just holds you like that for a long taunting moment. And then he surprises you further by spitting, the glob of spit hitting just above your asshole and beginning to slide down your crack.

You shudder, a moan slipping from your lips as Seokjin halts the spit from sliding too far by pressing his thumb to your hole. You feel yourself go boneless at the pressure. He hums in delight at the way you relax at only a little prodding.

"Oh? Do you like something in your ass too? My, what a naughty girl," he teases, mocking edge making you whine and press further against his thumb.

His thumb circles, pressing lightly against the tight ring of muscle, slowly spreading his saliva around. He plays with your hole, massaging it for a few moments before he's pulling away. He spanks you again and you tense up at the sudden flip from soft rubbing back to the harsh slaps.

"Didn't think I forgot about the rest of your punishment, did you?"

You quickly shake your head. You actually had forgotten that he said twenty and that you still have five left. But you can't let him know how distracted you had been by him playing with your ass. That you forgot you were being punished. That didn’t seem like it would go over well with him. Tears gather in your eyes as his hand lands again, breath punched from you as the pain builds with each swat of his hand.

Your throat feels rough when you finally croak out, 'twenty.'

His hands completely leave you and you tremble against the counter, struggling to keep yourself upright with your legs nearly boneless. You feel warm and floaty all over. 

"Fuck, you look so good like that." You preen at the praise but he’s quick to laugh. And the mocking, mean edge of it has you whining. "You're absolutely dripping. Did you even learn anything from your punishment? Or did you just enjoy it?"

You jolt when his fingers brush against your tender ass before they trail down to your pussy, running the length of your slit and gathering some of your wetness on his fingertips. His fingers leave you once more and a second later you hear him suck his fingers clean.

He groans. "Fuck, I wasn't planning on doing this as part of your punishment but you taste far too good to not give myself a little treat. It is Halloween after all." You can hear the growing smirk when he continues. "Oh, I have a much better idea now anyway."

His fingers trace your pussy lips and you shift, mindlessly trying to get them where you want them. They pull away and Seokjin delivers a quick smack to your pussy, jolting your body at the sudden burst of pain across your sensitive cunt and forcing a surprised yelp from your lips.

"Behave."

You pout, though you assume he can't see it. That is until you glance up at the storefront and see your reflections in the window and the predatory way that Seokjin stares at you. His grin is feral when you make eye contact, like he's been waiting for you to finally look up and realize that he can see your face as well. He keeps staring at you as his fingers slip through your folds again before he lets one slide inside you.

You moan at the intrusion, but it's not enough. You want more already, body warmed from the teasing and spanking already. He’s barely touched your pussy and you’re already so desperate for him. You clench around his finger, hips pushing back to try to get him deeper. He removes his hand again to land another smack to your pussy, dangerously close to your clit. You moan.

"Fuck, you're so dirty. You like getting your slutty pussy spanked just as much as your little ass?"

You nod, desperate to get more of something, anything he's willing to give you. Simply hoping that by agreeing will get you something. Seokjin spanks your pussy again, this time directly over your clit and you cry out, legs nearly giving out beneath you as the pleasure-pain sensation alights your nerves. His finger circles your entrance slowly before slipping inside once again.

"Seokjin please..."

He drags his finger out slowly before thrusting it back in just as slowly, letting you feel every inch of the digit. "What is it? Please what? If you're going to beg, you're going to beg like a proper slut and use. Your. Words." He punctuates the last three words a harsh thrust of his finger after each one, leaving it buried once he's done speaking.

"Please... Wan-" Your voice breaks as his finger presses searchingly against your walls, finding your g-spot quickly and rubbing against the bundle. The action robs you of all thought, losing track of what you had been saying.

"Yes?" He questions mockingly, like he's not distracting you and making it hard for you to form a coherent thought. "Please what?"

You groan, head dropping forward to press your forehead against the cool countertop. The slight chill that seeps through your sweaty skin grounds you a bit. Enough to string together some words. "Want... Wanna cum, please let me cum..."

Seokjin presses more firmly against your spot and your whole body trembles at the wave of pleasure that washes through you, pushing you closer to orgasm.

"Oh? Do you think you deserve that?"

You nod quickly, squeaking when Seokjin removes his finger to slap your pussy again, the only reminder you get to speak. "Yes, yes... Was good and counted the whole time."

He hums thoughtfully. "I suppose you did. So you want to cum, slut?"

You squirm as his fingers tease alone your folds. It’s maddeningly light, nowhere near enough to push you over the edge. "Yes, please, wanna cum, Seokjin..."

His answering hum should send up red flags but he slips two fingers into your pussy, rubbing immediately across your g-spot with each thrust of his hand and you sink immediately into the pleasure it sends through you. You writhe and his free hand comes up to press against your back, pinning you more securely to the counter. It just makes you writhe more, push the boundaries and feel him press you just a little harder into the unmoving counter. 

His thumbs slips forward on the next thrust to brush against your clit. Your belly tightens with every thrust and stroke of his fingers, orgasm rapidly approaching.

“You’re tightening around me so much. Is my little slut close?”

Your nod jerkily, hips twitching as you rock against his fingers. “S-so close…”

Seokjin stops with one last harsh thrust, switching instead to rubbing incessantly at your g-spot while his thumb circles your clit. “Then be a good fucking slut and cum,” he growls. 

He grabs your hair, tugging your head up so that you're forced to stare at his reflection once more. The look on his face makes you shudder and your pussy clenches around his fingers. Your mouth drops open at the feral look in his eyes and the way he seems wholly consumed by watching your every twitch and reaction. One more twist of his fingers has you crying out his name, toes curling in your skates as he pushes you over the edge. His hand releases your hair, a look of warning keeps you from letting your head drop, and his hand comes down in another spank against your ass and you jolt at the added sensation as your orgasm floods your body.

His fingers work you through your orgasm, slowing only marginally as you shake beneath him. You whine when overstimulation starts to take over but you make no moves to stop his movements. The extra sensitivity only adds to the pleasure that still licks away at your veins.

"Wow, too much and you're not even gonna stop me? Fuck, you really are a dirty, needy little slut."

You whine again, pushing your hips back onto his fingers, drawing an amused huff from him. He thumbs your clit roughly, causing your knees to nearly give out, before he's removing his fingers entirely and you pout at the sudden empty feeling you're left with. His hand slips back into your hair, tightening and pulling your head further back so your chest lifts slightly from the counter and you gasp as your attention is pulled back to his reflection. He smirks at you for a moment and then he's releasing you once more. You collapse against the counter, struggling slightly to keep your footing. 

You're suddenly very much regretting the fact that you have to wear skates at work because it's proving to be very dangerous. You wish you could stop and take them off, but you’re certain that Seokjin wants them on for the fact that it keeps you nearly immboile against the counter. You can’t deny that for the struggle to remain upright aside, being forced to stay like this because of your footwear is just another layer to the arousal that has yet to leave you. 

Seokjin's body blankets your's for a moment as he leans over to press a kiss to your shoulder. "Don't worry. I'll give you exactly what you need."

You have no time to question him because he's straightening once more and then his reflection disappears entirely as he drops to his knees behind you. Your throat feels dry as you wait for him to touch you again but the seconds stretch and he does nothing. You squirm, imagining what he must be seeing from his new position behind you, your pussy spread and dripping, hole twitching with the last vestiges of your orgasm. The way your thighs quiver as you force yourself to remain upright.

Embarrassment heats you at being stared at but the moment your legs start to close to attempt to hide yourself, Seokjin's hands grip your thighs, keeping you spread for his gaze to consume. He hums in appreciation, thumbs brushing your folds as he pulls your lips apart to get a better look at your dripping cunt. His breath ghosts across the sodden skin and you think that he's going to finally put his mouth on you but he surprises you when he lips brush gently against your ass.

"S-seokjin?"

He ignores you, peppering kisses across both cheeks, tongue slipping out occasionally to lave across areas made more sensitive by his spanking. He releases your pussy, hands sliding further up to cup your ass, massaging the flesh while his lips move across. It's nothing short of worship and you find yourself quickly getting lost in the attention.

By all means, it shouldn't be as hot as it is. He's barely even doing anything. Just kneading the flesh softly as his lips and tongue ghost across your skin. But every touch sends a spark of electricity up your spine. You wish you could see him, how he must look on his knees, the look on his face. Whether his brow is pinched in concentration like it does when he’s working or if it's relaxed as he takes his time with you.

The first pass of his lips over your asshole draws a soft sigh from you and you can feel the smile that tugs at his lips with his next kiss to your cheeks. He takes his time, only putting the lightest of touches to your hole as he showers attention across your ass. Your mind feels foggy, equal parts on edge for his next move and lulled into complacency by his gentle movements. You trust him to give you what you need, even if you don’t know what it is yet. 

His tongue darts out, circling the tightened ring of muscle with more pressure than he's used before and it causes your entire body to shake. He drifts away again and a whimper slips from your lips at the loss. He moves back to your hole quicker this time, each pass and circle of his tongue coming closer together as he goes.

His fingers dig into your ass, drawing a hiss from you at the flare of pain, and he pulls your cheeks apart. He stops there for a moment and you feel your hole clench at the focused attention.

Seokjin chuckles. "Needy little slut," he coos and then he spits directly onto your hole again.

You moan, feeling as it slowly slides down your ass until it meets your pussy and gets lost in the mess of your slick. He blows cool air where he spat and goosebumps break out across your skin. He blows again and then his mouth is closing over your hole, the sudden warmth has you crying out. Seokjin just hums, tongue tracing your hole.

You shift and Seokjin tightens his grip on your ass, keeping you still and you clench at the casual display of power. He keeps the pressure of his tongue light, enough for you to feel it but keeping you aching for more. And god do you ache for more, his teasing keeps the fire in your belly at just a simmer and you want to be consumed. Your previous orgasm is proving to be nowhere near enough as your clit throbs with need. Seokjin continues his slow pace despite your weak attempts to get him to do something.

He pulls away slightly, breath ghosting over you as he speaks. "If you need something slut, you know how to ask."

And then he dives back in, tongue continuing it's tortuously slow path around your hole. You open your mouth to speak, but Seokjin's tongue dips just inside your hole and you groan at the sudden change. He alternates between slow sweeps of his tongue around your rim and wiggling his tongue just a little deeper into you. The stretch isn't enough to hurt, not with how relaxed his previous attention has left you, and you find yourself wishing that there was just the slightest bit more stretch.

Seokjin's words come back to you and you swallow as you try to articulate your needs to him. "S-seokjin... Need more, please..."

He hums but makes no move to do anything about your whining. He's methodical and it's almost worse than the spanking in how torturous it is.

"Please... Fuck, Seokjin, please, please, please..."

Your begging seems to be what he was waiting for because one of his hands slides from your ass to trace along your slit. You moan at the contact, not expecting him to go for your pussy but you let out a happy noise as a pleasurable shiver runs through you. His fingers find your clit and he runs his fingers around it for a brief second before he’s pinching the sensitive bud. 

You cry out, thighs trying to close instinctively, but Seokjin’s body prevents you from moving them closer than an inch. You feel his smirk against your ass as he pinches again. You whimper, the pain sending sparks of pleasure through your body. He switches to circling your clit, soothing the painful throb he created and it lulls you into a false sense of security for when he thrusts his tongue as deep as he can into your ass. 

You choke on a moan as he thrusts his tongue in again, pairing it with another, slightly more gentle, pinch to your clit. You press your face to the counter, struggling to catch your breath amongst the assault of sensations that Seokjin lavishes upon you. But your attempts are nearly useless as he constantly changes what he���s doing, giving you no time to get used to anything and managing to surprise you with every single twist of his fingers and every thrust and curl of his tongue. 

While you struggle to keep yourself upright, you can feel your orgasm steadily building from the constant attention of his mouth and the abuse to your clit. It’s only a matter of time before you cum again. But you know you can’t, not without his okay, although the thoughts that flit through your mind of possible punishments for cumming without permission are incredibly enticing. That can wait for another day. 

“G-gonna… Gonna cum, can I cum? Please, Seokjin… p-please let me cum…” you babble, feeling that knot inside you continuing to tighten and you can only try to stop it for so long. 

He pulls away, teeth nipping at the underside of your ass while his fingers continue to play with your clit. His mouth drifts a little lower and his teeth dig into the meat of your thigh. 

“Please!” you shudder, the added pain pushing you much faster towards your end.

His tongue traces soothingly over where he just bit, but he remains maddeningly silent. You blink away tears, though you’re not sure if they’re from the pain, frustration, or pleasure. 

“Please…” you whimper. 

He shifts to the other cheek, biting down again and you’re so close to cumming now. His tongue soothes the spot once more and you feel your body tensing with the first inklings of orgasm.  

But just as you reach the edge, nearly toppling over into the pleasure, Seokjin is pulling his hands and mouth away from your body, stopping your orgasm in its tracks. 

You let out a sob, a pitiful, whiny ‘no’ slipping from your lips as a few tears slide down your cheeks as your orgasm slowly slips through your fingers. 

“I don’t recall saying you could cum.” His hand comes down on your ass, right on top of where he bit. 

“I a-asked… Please, I was good.”

“You asked, but I didn’t say yes, slut.” His hand swats at your pussy next and you nearly cum from the action with how on edge you are. 

Seokjin seems to notice if his dark snicker is anything to go by. “Oh? You liked that? Seems you liked it a lot, you made such a mess of my fingers.” He slaps your pussy again and it jolts you closer to orgasm again. “Think you could cum just from me spanking your slutty little pussy? Fuck, I want to try. Do you want that, dirty girl?”

You nod without thinking. You’d do just about anything if it means you get to cum. And the sting only makes the pleasure feel all the better. “Please…”

You hear him shuffle for a moment, the sound of fabric rustling, before he’s nipping at your ass again, leaving teasing stings until his tongue can swirl around your asshole once more. His hand slaps your pussy the same time that his tongue slips back into your tight hole. You gasp and he starts alternating thrusts of his tongue with smacks to your clit.

Your body feels wound tight, every sensation that Seokjin showers on you sending you so much closer to the edge. It feels like you and Seokjin have been doing this for years with how well he seems to be able to read your body. You cry out as Seokjin pinches your clit once more, thighs quivering with the effort it takes to keep you standing.

Seokjin's tongue slips from your hole, but he remains close, lips brushing the sensitive furl as he speaks. "Come on, slut. We both know you can cum from this. Be good and let go for me."

His tongue circles your hole slowly and then it's slipping back in and he picks up a fast pace of fucking you with his tongue, interspersed with slaps and pinches to your clit, seemingly using no method and keeping you on your toes in guessing what will come next. Your high crests from the mixture of pleasure and pain and you cum with a sob, pussy clenching around nothing. Seokjin's fingers press to your clit as the first ripples of your orgasm rush through you and he skillfully draws your orgasm out for as long as possible. Your body feels electrified, pushed into overstimulation but your breath has been completely robbed from you with how good everything feels too, at the way Seokjin so easily manipulates your body to his every whim.

Slowly, he pulls his mouth and fingers from you, sitting back on his heels. You pant against the counter, hot air blowing back into your sweaty face but you're too exhausted to care. You kind of just want to slide off the counter and lay down on the floor, even though it's the kitchen floor and is probably gross. Seokjin pats your ass and it somehow feels condescending and you feel your pussy give a weak twitch.

"Enjoying yourself, slut?" All you can muster is a pitiful whine, which draws a snicker from him. "I certainly hope you are, because we're far from over."

You whine again. You honestly don't know if you could take more. Your body has never been so worked over without actually being fucked too. You don't even know what else he could do short of fucking you finally. Which had been the goal of this whole game to begin with, but he's far surpassed your expectations. Maybe you should push his buttons more often if it results in being so utterly ruined. You definitely know that no one else will ever be able to make you feel as good as he has. Seokjin's hands rub soothingly at your thighs and the action is so grounding that you feel a little dizzy.

"Color, sweetheart?" His voice is soft and gentle, so different from the mean tone that's been coloring it until now.

It takes you a moment to be able to speak, but you manage to get out a raspy 'green.'

"Need any water or a break?"

You think about it for a moment. You could take a break. Maybe take your skates off. But you really don't want to either. There's something about not being able to move that makes it even better, makes you feel powerless even though Seokjin has plainly handed you all the power here. You just want more. 

You shake your head. "I'm good."

His hands massage at your thighs for a few more moments before his fingers dig harshly into the newly relaxed muscle. You gasp and he gives a chuckle. "What a good little slut you're being now."

"Yes... 'm good."

Seokjin chuckles darkly. "That remains to be seen. You haven't even gotten my cock yet and you can barely even speak properly anymore. Not so cocky now, huh?"

He gives your ass a quick swat, it's far more teasing than meant to cause you any pain. His hands slide up your thighs until they just meet your ass and then his thumbs are pulling your soaking folds apart with a groan. Mirroring his earlier actions, he blows cool air across your pussy and you shudder at the way it feels against your heated cunt. His tongue lightly traces your folds and he lets out a contented noise like he’s tasting the most exquisite dish he’s ever eaten. 

Then he’s licking a wide stripe up your slit and you cry out, pussy so sensitive after two orgasms already. Seokjin eats you out like a starving man, tongue working over every inch of your pussy, mapping every spot that makes you twitch and moan. You writhe, or at least you try your best with Seokjin’s hands holding your ass and keeping your lower half mostly immobile. 

Seokjin pulls back with a smack of his lips. “For such a little devil, you certainly taste like heaven.” He snickers before diving back in. 

His plump lips wrap around your clit, tongue flicking lightly at the nub before he sucks. Fire simmers in your veins and you’re surprised at how quickly your orgasm builds again when he’s barely done anything just yet. He suckles lightly, pleasure surging through you. Releasing your clit with a pop, his tongue drags agonizingly slowly up to circle your entrance. He’s methodical, tracing around your hole with just the right amount of pressure before dipping back down to mouth at your clit and then back again. 

You feel yourself dripping, Seokjin noisily lapping up all that you have to give him. Seokjin’s fingers massage up to your ass, digging in and sending a spark of pleasure through you from the sting his grip brings. A hand abandons your ass, finger joining his mouth on your cunt. They work in tandem, fingers toying with your clit while he licks into your pussy. Then they switch, two fingers slipping deep inside you as his lips wrap around you clit once more. 

Time slips away from you, your mind hazy and body on edge as Seokjin plays with your pussy to his heart’s content. His tongue presses at your hole with a little more force and then his teeth graze the sensitive skin and you moan. You feel his smile when he presses his lips against you next and then his tongue is sliding into you. You moan as his fingers pinch at your clit at the same time. 

Heat pools in your belly as he starts fucking his tongue into you and you babble as you feel your orgasm rising as his fingers circle your clit, begging to cum again. He gives you a gentle pat on the ass with his free hand which you assume is meant to be his form of permission since he seems to not want to remove his mouth from your cunt. His fingers move faster and you teeter on the edge. You’re so close. So close that it’s driving you delirious with pleasure. But you just can’t quite get there, missing something that you can’t even fathom let alone ask for. 

Seokjin, ever perspective, seems to know exactly what you need as he slips a finger in with his tongue, pressing down on your g-spot and making you cry out. The insistent pressure combined with the fingers on your clit and tongue still thrusting into sends you over the edge. Bliss floods your body and you feel yourself gush around Seokjin’s tongue and fingers. He drinks up what he can before he’s pulling his mouth away with a curse. 

“Fuck, what a messy fucking slut. You made such a mess squirting, you little whore. I just cleaned these floors. I should make you lick them clean.” You clench around his fingers at his words and he lets out a dark chuckle. “Fuck you like that? Of course you would, you wouldn’t be my dirty little slut otherwise.”

His fingers continue their ministrations and you whine that it’s too much. Seokjin pays you no mind, slipping another finger into you. 

“Come on, slut. I know you can cum again.”

You shake your head. “C-can’t… not… No more…” You squirm, trying your best to get away from the relentless pressure against your clit and g-spot. 

His fingers slow for a moment. “Color?”

You swallow. It hurts, but not necessarily in a bad way. It doesn’t feel like it’d be too much to go on. You’ve never been pushed so far and there’s a thrill that runs through you when you think about discovering what exactly your body can take, even more excited that Seokjin is the one to test the bounds and that he makes sure to check in, to remind you that the safe words are there if it’s too much. You trust him to listen if you need to slow down. But you don’t want to, not right now.

You can feel your wetness literally dripping down your thighs and seeping into your tights makes you feel warm all over, overcome with a need to see how soaked they could get. “G-green, please…”

Seokjin hums, fingers picking their pace back up. “There’s my good little slut. Come on, cum for me like a good little whore.”

His mouth latches onto you again and you shudder, body still worked up from your squirting orgasm that it takes so little effort for Seokjin to push you over the edge again. Your mouth drops open on a soundless scream, pussy convulsing as you gush around his fingers, wetness dripping down his hand and to the floor. You whimper and Seokjin carefully slips his fingers from you. He laps gently at your folds, just enough to send tingles of pleasure up your spin.

He pulls away with a groan. “I could eat you out all night.”

You’re torn between imagining the idea and fearing for your poor pussy if he were to actually do that. He stands and you lift your head enough to look at his reflection when it comes back into view. Your breath catches in your throat when your gaze is met with his bare chest. You have no idea when he had stripped his shirt off and you mourn the fact that you didn’t get to see and appreciate the sight more. He shifts slightly and his chin and chest glistens and you feel your body heat with embarrassment when you realize that you were the cause of that. He meets your gaze and winks.

“Think you’re ready for my cock, slut?”

You whine. You honestly don’t know how much more you can handle, but at the same time, you absolutely have to have him inside you. “Please, Seokjin, please… want it.”

His hands give your ass a quick squeeze before they’re leaving you and you can see him focusing on his pants. You curse your current position and the fact that it keeps you from being able to see his cock in all its glory. You know it’s got to be beautiful. It’d be criminal if it wasn’t. 

He smacks your ass with his cock, leaving a smear of precum across the skin. God, how long has he been hard for? How did he hold out for this long? You squirm and he chuckles. 

“Beg a little more, slut.”

You wiggle your ass, pouting. “Please, Seokjinnie… Please, I want it. Want your cock, wanted it for so long… Please I-”

Seokjin cuts your begging off as he roughly thrusts into you. You cry out, hands scrambling for purchase against the counter as his cock stretches you out all at once. He’s huge, so much bigger than you ever dared imagine. Long and girthy and so perfect to fill every inch of your pussy. You’re honestly not sure how he fits, you feel full to bursting with him buried to the hilt in your cunt. You wished you’d gotten to take your time with it, had him stuff it down your throat. The thought makes saliva pool in your mouth. You’re definitely going to repay the favor and worship his cock when you get the chance.

He swears. “Fuck… your cunt…”

His fingers dig into your hips as he holds himself still for a moment. Then he’s pulling out until just the tip remains before slamming back it, jolting you forward against the counter. Seokjin starts a fast pace, immediately overwhelming you and giving you almost no time to adjust to him. 

His grip tightens on your hips, enough to feel like it’ll be a bruise by morning. “Think you can cum again for me, slut? Cum on my cock for me, baby?”

You whine and shake your head. “N-no… please, can’t…”

Seokjin slams into you, draping himself over you and letting a hand snake around your throat. He waits, giving you a chance to say no to this and when he receives no denial, he squeezes lightly. You gasp and he squeezes a little tighter. You feel lightheaded and if it wasn’t for Seokjin’s body pinning you to the counter, you’d probably slide to the floor. Keeping his grip on your throat, he grinds into you, savoring the way your pussy clenches around him.

He loosens his hold slightly and meets your gaze in the window. “You’re going to cum for me again. And your pretty little cunt is gonna milk every drop of cum I have to give you. How does that sound, baby? Want me to fill your slutty little cunt up?”

As much as you don’t want to, you honestly have no idea if your body is even capable of having another orgasm, you want to find out. And the thought of Seokjin fucking you full on top of it has you nodding to his words almost instantly. “Yes, please… Seokjin, please, fill me up…”

His hand tightens again and he gives you a pleased smirk. “You’re so well behaved now. Hard to believe how much of a naughty little brat you’ve been lately.” 

He switches from grinding to thrusting again, though his position over you means that his thrusts are shorter but no less rough. His other hand slides around to your front, fingers brushing your clit. You clench around him and receive a low moan from him as his grip on your throat loosens again. His fingers circle your clit and you can feel your orgasm quickly creeping up on you. You briefly wonder if it’s possible to die from too many orgasms. But then Seokjin nips at your neck, drawing your focus back to the way his cock drags along your walls and the filth he’s murmuring into your skin as his fingers work faster. 

It washes over you and you cum with a cry of his name, pussy convulsing around his cock. You feel his breath puff against your skin as his forehead presses to your shoulder. His hand falls away from your clit, planting itself once more on your hip as his thrusts pick up speed now that he’s chasing his own end. 

Seokjin’s hips stutter to a stop as he cums with a groan pressed to your skin. His cock twitches inside you as he empties himself in your pussy, filling you up. You sink against the counter, praactically purring in contentment at the flood of warmth that he releases within you. He pants against your skin for a long moment and you let your exhaustion slowly wash over you. You’d give anything for a bed right now and to never have to move again. 

Seokjin pushes himself up and then slowly slips out of you. You whine at the loss and you get a soft chuckle. His hands rub soothingly at your back before they come to rest on your waist. He gives you a squeeze.

“I’m gonna help you stand and get you sitting on the counter, okay?”

You groan. “Don’t wanna…”

Seokjin huffs a soft laugh. “I don’t care. I need to make sure you’re okay and we need to get your skates off.”

He starts moving you, though you know you aren’t much help with how jelly-like your limbs feel. He finally gets you seated on the counter and it takes all your remaining strength to stay sitting upright. You blink hazy eyes at Seokjin; he’s tucked himself back into his pants but they still remain undone, giving you the faintest glimpse of his cock. You pout, you’d wanted to see it. 

His hands cup your cheeks, directing your gaze to his eyes and you blink slowly at him. He gives you a soft smile. “There you are.” His thumbs stroke gently across your cheeks, wiping away the last bits of your tears. “Can you stay sitting up for me? I’m going to get you some water, okay?”

You nod, frowning when his hands leave your face. You want him to keep touching. He turns, grabbing a cup and quickly filling it with water. He hands it to you, helping you when it almost slips through your lax grip. He makes you drink half before he lets you set the cup down. He leans down and makes quick work of your skates, tugging them from your feet. You sigh in relief, feet flexing at finally being free from their confinements and a surprised noise leaves your lips when you feel his thumbs dig into the soles of your feet. He rubs each foot and you nearly fall asleep from the relaxation that slowly spreads through your system.  

Seokjin stands, his hands coming back up to cup your face. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” you croak out, lips pursing at how wrecked your voice comes out.

You can see Seokjin fight down a prideful grin as his thumbs stroke your cheeks. It’s silent for a few moments before he’s gasping and you give him a questioning look. He tuts, though you don’t know if it’s directed at you or himself.

“All that and I haven’t even kissed you yet.”

You giggle, he does all that and is worried about the fact that he didn’t kiss you at all. He tilts your head up, soft smile pulling at the corner of his lips. You blink at him for a moment, not expecting him to follow through with fixing that. But when he leans in, you let your eyes slip shut. The kiss is sweet and chaste, the complete opposite of everything that just happened. It lasts for just a moment and you ache to have more of the feel of his plush lips pressed against yours. 

He grins as he pulls away and then busies himself with finding your shoes and your bag, helping you into them. He presses a kiss to your forehead and presses the water back into your grip with the instruction to finish it. He slips his shirt back on, tucking it back into his pants and then he’s darting out the door. Which confuses and alarms you for a split second before you realize that he’s grabbing that money that then men had left on the table. 

He’s quick to cash the ticket out, slipping the hefty tip they left you into your purse before taking the drawer back to the office. He’s gone for a few minutes and you sip slowly at the water while you wait. Now that you’re alone, you wonder what all of that meant. If it was just a culmination of sexual tension and frustration or if there was something more there. Hoseok and Jimin have regularly pushed you to tell Seokjin how you feel. But you’ve always kept that hidden, not wanting to make work suddenly weird when this job and your coworkers are the best you’ve ever had.

And the costumes hadn’t gotten Seokjin to ask you out or offer to be the other half of the pair costumes despite the hints you tried dropping. Maybe he just wasn’t interested in that and just wanted a quick fuck. But some of his actions disprove that. Maybe he was just as nervous as you to ask. 

He reappears, pressing another kiss to your forehead as he takes the empty glass from you and sets it aside. 

“Think you can stand now?”

You shake your legs out experimentally. You certainly seem to have a little more control over them. “I can try.”

That draws an amused snort from him and he helps you down from the counter, hands not leaving you until he’s sure that you’re safe to stand on your own. You adjust your dress, pulling it back down and wincing slightly as the slightly rough material drags over your ass. Your bare ass. You glance around the floor. 

“Hey, where are my underwear?”

Seokjin’s back is to you as he wipes down the part of the counter you were just sitting on. “Oh, they’re completely ruined.” He glances at you over his shoulder with a smirk. “And mine now.”

You squirm, feeling some of his cum drip from your abused cunt. Well at least you’re just going home. You can make it that far. Not that they would’ve been much use to you ripped anyway. Maybe you should make him buy you a new pair. That request might come after the feelings talk though. 

Once he’s done, he wraps an arm around you, pulling you into his chest and pressing a kiss to your hair. “Ready to go?”

You hum and nod. You are seriously ready to sleep for a day. You’re glad that you don’t work tomorrow. You don’t think Seokjin does either. Maybe you can entice him to stay the night and you could cook him breakfast before the two of you talk. 

Seokjin leads you out of the building, locking the door as you go, and guides you towards his car. Your’s is at home, though you’re not sure if Seokjin already knew that or is just directing you towards his car because he doesn’t trust you to drive right now. To be fair, you don’t think you could actually drive if you had to. You’re glad that you’d been planning to drink at the party and so you were just going to either catch a ride, stay at Jimin’s, or get an Uber so that your car isn’t left in the lot overnight. 

Once settled, he starts the car and pulls out of the lot. You frown watching him turn. 

“Seokjin, I live the other way.”

“I know.”

“And you live the other way.”

He smirks. “I know.”

You swallow. “Where are we going?”

“Well, it’s a shame for you to get all dressed up for a party and to not even go to show it off.”

“I can’t go to a party like this!” You only briefly caught sight of your full reflection but you know how fucked out you look. He can’t seriously be taking you to the party right now. 

Seokjin’s hand lands on your thigh. “You had no problem going to work like that.”

You whine and squirm, immediately squeezing your legs together when you feel another dribble of cum slip from you. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

Seokjin just hums, driving the rest of the short distance to Jimin’s house in silence. You try your best to fix yourself up in the mirror so you don’t look completely ruined. It’s only slightly effective. You wish you had Yennifer’s powers, then you could just magic your way home. Would serve Seokjin right. 

He parks and helps you out of the car before reaching into the back for a wig and a sword. He adjusts both items and you look him over appraisingly. 

“At least you’ve got Geralt’s brutish personality down.” You tease. 

Seokjin takes your hand and presses a kiss to it before using it to lead you to the house. “I’d like to think I’m far more charming than him.”

You giggle. “That remains to be seen.”

The party is in full swing when you enter and it takes the both of you a few moments to find your friends. When you do, they all are quick to take in your appearance and the way Seokjin’s hand is wrapped around yours. Jimin crows victoriously, slapping Taehyung on the back.

“I told you! You owe me!”

You bury your face in Seokjin’s shoulder to hide your embarrassment. You just wanted to go home and cuddle. Seokjin’s lips brush your ear.

“If you promise to stay a while, we can get revenge on him and go fuck in his bed.”

[stylishanachronism]

Tagged by @yanara126 and @babineni thanks babes ilu

Three Ships:

Look despite being a terrible romance novelist I’m not a huge shipper and when I am it’s extremely niche. No, nicher than that.

1. Mako Mori x Raliegh Beckett

Look the main draw of PacRim (besides y’know all of it) is just how totally and completely (but not necessarily romantically) gone Raleigh is on Mako from the second he lays eyes on her, and how respectful of her authority and agency he is in that context. Also like, I either want to grow up to be her or to marry her, not picky, so like, I relate.

2. Selva x Alice

We were making Chaos Triangle jokes well before two thirds of it went canon, but go canon it did, and they’re stupid cute together, as well as being utter chaos. (Namesake is a Delight and you should go read it.)

3. The titular Ghost & Mrs. Muir

Shockingly I come to my enjoyment of bittersweet, somewhat tragic romance honestly. This ship has everything, ghosts, pining, enemies-to-lovers (sort of)... (The film from the 40s is better than the sitcom from the 60s, imo, because the film is a lot sharper on the bitter and less saccharine on the sweet (and also Gene Tierney is *extremely* pretty), but like, they’re both a good time.)

Last Songs Listened to:

‘Achilles Come Down’ by Gang of Youths, and my Get the Fuck to Work playlist, which is a random collection of extremely upbeat songs to prevent me from falling asleep at the wheel getting the fuck to work (admittedly less of a worry now that my shift doesn’t start at four fucking thirty), and also, because it is that time of year, ‘This Year’ by The Mountain Goats, though it’s the Shearwater cover, which I prefer to the original. Also I did my semi-annual ‘oh, it can’t have been that bad’ The Pirate Queen relisten and yeah, it is still that bad and I am still so mad about it.

Currently Watching:

Look if you haven’t guessed it’s Kingdom for like, the fifth time in a row I don’t know what to tell you. I have literally never run into something that so perfectly captures my very distinct tastes in zombie horror, high stakes political drama, and clothing-accurate period pieces, but this does all three beautifully at the same time with a side helping of ridiculous wuxia-style combat to top it all off, without devolving into either a weird sex thing or tipping out the other side and falling into gratuitous violence, dropped political plot threads, or catering to a modern audience who doesn’t know what they’re looking at. Also Seo-bi is there and I love her. This is both serious horror and, like, my go to comfort show I don’t know what to tell you.

Currently Reading:

...Mostly poetry, actually, which is somewhat unusual. Picked up Crush again, because Siken’s publishing again, thank god, and I am not in a place to enjoy Ruth Stone but I desperately want to be, so uh, that’s not going well, and my copy of the.... paired translation of Neruda (in that one page has the original Spanish and the other has the English translation) came in, and I do like this translator’s take on it, so that’s nice, and then, of course, it’s the time of year for Margaret Atwood and Mary Oliver and Ursula K LeGuin. Also I am reading God Stalk again and look, if you’ve never read God Stalk you should go do so immediately, it’s so good, I am begging you.

How’s it Going?

My dudes, I’m going to be honest here, I’m so stressed I’m physically falling apart, like I am on and off bleeding to death from various places and my bones hurt all the damn time, and to top it off I am *literally* losing my mind, like I haven’t lost this much time since the last time I tried to kill myself, and there is no light at the end of this tunnel, just a train running dark, and god am i looking forward to letting covid kill me.

Other than that though, can’t really complain. I’ve got a job, my family’s healthy, what more can I ask for?

Anyways, I have absolutely zero idea who’s been tagged so uh, if this is a rerun sorry. @thebluestofdaisies @violetutterances @sweetdreamr @brightoncemore

[mrsspidermanmaryjanewatsonparker]

“While they're depicted as happy and in love, there are a lot of details that don't make sense.”

Oh boy I can’t wait to hear this from the pinnacle of comic book journalism that is Screenrant....

20 EVERYTHING ABOUT "ONE MORE DAY"

 Okay fair enough

 19 THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON

 Sense of humour. Study different forms of science. Science and acting are both about making sense of life. Troubled childhoods. Living double lives. Living with guilt over relegating on responsibilities which hurt your family. Immense inner strength. Oh and btw having shit in common isn’t the be all and end all of romantic relationships so shut up.

 “It's possible for two people to love each other and not have much in common. ”

 That’s what I said.

 “At some point, however, a couple needs to have something to build a relationship on.”

 And they did see above and add in being one another’s friends, confidants and support group.

 “Peter Parker and Mary Jane couldn't be further apart from each other in almost every single way. He's a science geek with a weird sense of humor and no social skills.”

 Also heroic, also gult ridden, also responsible, also inner strength, also working class, also lost a parent, also lived a double life....like MJ.

 “Meanwhile, MJ is an aspiring model/actress, except for when she's a super successful model/actress.”

 Everyone knows model/actress = a personality right.

 “In recent years, she's shown a more entrepreneurial side, but that still involved opening a nightclub, the sort of place where Peter doesn't fit in at all. They say opposites attract, but there comes a point where that just becomes nonsensical.”

 Yes there is but that point is well beyond the ways in which Peter and MJ are opposite to one another because their traits often balance one another out.

 18 THEY GOT TOGETHER WAY TOO SOON AFTER GWEN'S DEMISE

 They got together almost 2 years after Gwen died shut up.

 “Time in comic books is a funny thing. The Marvel Universe has a sliding timescale, meaning that it's hard to peg down when stories took place in relation to each other. The time that passes in the real world means nothing. That being said, Peter and MJ started dating way too soon after Gwen Stacy's demise.”

 Canonically its still 2 years so shut up.

 “She lost her life in Amazing Spider-Man #121 (1973) by Gerry Conway and Gil Kane. By the end of the next issue, the seeds were being planted for them to get together. They didn't immediately start dating, but Peter seemed to get over his "one, true love" suspiciously fast”

 2 years isn’t too fast and she wasn’t his one true love. Nobody has a one true love.

 17 SHE FLIP-FLOPS ON PETE'S LIFE AS SPIDER-MAN

This list is about stuff that doesn’t make sense. Anybody dating a superhero is probably going to flip flop over their own or their loved ones’ lives being potentially endangered by super powered serial killers.

 “Look, dating a superhero must be hard. Nobody can blame someone for not wanting to deal with it, or trying to convince a loved one not to risk their life. Also, it can make having a social life impossible. It's understandably frustrating, but at some point, enough is enough.

It seems like Mary Jane can't make up her mind about Peter's life as Spider-Man.”

 Obviously she can because she chose to date him, chose to marry him and stayed with him all the time sans stories where she was written as OOC.

 She both likes it and dislikes it which makes her compelling and its realistic too. She doesn’t HAVE to make up her mind definitively and every day stay on track with liking or hating it because people flip flop over shit all the time.

 Shit Spider-Man himself flip flops about BEING SPIDER-MAN!

 “Sometimes she's fully supportive, while other times she wants him to quit. ”

Gee its almost like something as dangerous as a superhero’s life would have lots of factors that impact how you feel depending upon what side of the bed you got up from.

 Also she never wanted him to quit outside of when she was OOC. She only once wanted him to remain retired when she was heavily pregnant.

 “Considering that she knew Peter was Spider-Man before she even met him, it's time for her to figure out her feelings and make a decision. ”

 a)                  She did, hence they married

b)                  She doesn’t need to make a decision YOU the individual reader want her to but realistically the character for her own sake doesn’t have to

 “They both know he's not going to give up being a hero, so it's time to be grown ups.”

 16 THEIR ENGAGEMENT WAS SUPER QUICK

In the history of mankind there have been quicker engagements.

Shit STAN LEE got married super quick, he married his wife Joan of 60 something years literally the day she got divorced.

“In Amazing Spider-Man Annual #21 (1987) by David Michelinie, Jim Shooter, and Paul Ryan, Peter Parker married Mary Jane. Behind the scenes, this occurred because Stan Lee wanted Spider-Man to get married in the newspaper comic strip that he was writing at the time. Marvel liked the idea, and decided to have them get married in the comics as well.

The problem was that they were broken up at the time. So, the writers had to quickly bring her back, rekindle the romance, have Peter propose, and then get married.”

 This is total fucking bullshit.

Mary Jane had been a mainstay in the titles for over 4 years before the wedding, being the most recurring character sans Spider-Man himself.

Moreover broken up isn’t strictly accurate, Peter and Mj years prior to their wedding had been effectively dating whilst being in denial about it to one another or publicly.

Their romance and love was always there they just weren’t being honest about it until Peter proposed.

Yeah the proposal-wedding was a few issues, but the romantic tension and relationship had been years in the making.

“Anyone that's ever planned a real wedding knows how unrealistic this whole timeline was.”

Yeah unless you were having a quick wedding at city hall with a small ceremony and there was a time skip before and during the final part of the story where they tie the knot.

15 DO THEY HAVE A BABY OR NOT?

“The second Clone Saga that ran during the mid '90s had one of the most confusing endings ever written. Basically, the writers needed to finish Ben Reilly's storyline while also tying up all of Peter's loose ends to make it possible for Peter to become Spider-Man again. One of these plot threads was the fact that Mary Jane was pregnant.

The editors felt that Spider-Man being a dad would age him, so they suggested that Mary Jane not have the baby, after all. However, it was also heavily implied at the time that Norman Osborn had the baby taken away. This storyline was teased for a few years, before ultimately being forgotten about.”

This list is about things that do not make sense. This list is not about things that are merely unresolved.

14 WHY DOES PETER STILL USE THE BLACK SUIT?

“In Amazing Spider-Man #299 (1988) by David Michelinie and Todd McFarlane, Venom made his frightening first appearance. Mary Jane thought she saw Peter wearing his black costume, until a mouth formed and turned into a horrific smile. Venom didn't hurt Mary Jane, but the experience was still pretty traumatic for her.

After Spidey defeated the villain, Mary Jane asked him to stop wearing the black costume. This made sense, and Peter happily obliged. Except, he keeps bringing the costume back from time to time.”

 Yeah and it’s justified each time.

He brought it back in the 1990s during McFarlane’s run because he needed something stealthy and he discussed this with MJ.

He brought part of it back in the Clone Saga because he had nothing else to wear but it wasn’t the whole suit.

He brought it back during the Mackie run with Larsen because again he had nothing else to wear and MJ was presumed dead at the time anyway.

He wore it again in Back in Black at a time where he wasn’t wearing it in front of MJ and wanted to send a message to criminals that he was now going to be a more violent and scary fucker (it worked).

He wore it again in Brand New Day when he was impersonating Venom and he and MJ were broken up.

He wore it again in ASM #800 when he needed the power boost from the symbiote to beat Red Goblin.

And all this aside, MJ got over her fear of Venom anyway.

So rather than making no sense each individual instance actually did add up.

“Sometimes there's a specific reason, other times he just seems to feel like wearing it. He knows it scares his wife, but apparently Peter likes the way it looks too much to care.”

Not true as I just explained. Peter himself doesn’t even LIKE the suit anymore.

13 HOW SUCCESSFUL IS HER CAREER?

“Not everyone is a fan of Peter and Mary Jane's relationship. While many fans love her, some feel that it's weird for Peter Parker to be married to a supermodel. That can be a valid complaint, but the problem is that Mary Jane has had one of the most inconsistent careers ever.

She's constantly moving between being a struggling model, a highly sought after model, a soap opera actress, and even giving up on show business completely multiple times. It's understandable for careers to have ups and downs, but it seems like the writers can't even decide if she's famous or not.”

Because a model and actresses career and fame can’t fluctuate right?

 12 THEY'VE BOTH DEALT WITH TOO MANY STALKERS

WTF is too many exactly when one of you is a famous-semi-famous actress and model and the other is a superhero?

Like shit dude, there are people, a lot of them women, who aren’t famous and can have stalkers.

“In the late '90s, Marvel's first attempt to undo Spider-Man's marriage resulted in Mary Jane getting on a plane which then exploded mid-flight.”

Technically that was not their first attempt.

“For the next year or so, everyone believed she had passed away. Instead, she had been snatched away by a deranged stalker, who caused the explosion so that no one would look for her.

Before that, Mary Jane had to deal with Jonathan Ceaser, who attempted to take her away several times in the early '90s.”

 OP misspelled ‘once’ as ‘several times’.

 “Even Peter had to deal with his ex girlfriend, Felicia Hardy, dating Flash Thompson just so she could be near him during that same time period. ”

That isn’t a stalker.

“People really need to give these two their privacy.”

 Again...not a thing that doesn’t make sense which is the point of the article.

 11 THEY BREAK UP CONSTANTLY

constantly

Dictionary result for constantly

/ˈkɒnst(ə)ntli/

adverb

1.    continuously over a period of time; always.

 Hmmmmmm...doesn’t seem to add up with breaking up:

 For the first time in the late 1970s.

Again in Spider-Man vs. Wolverine.

Trial separating (which isn’t a proper break up) in 2001.

Seperating for real in OMD/OMIT

Breaking up again in Superior when it wasn’t even the real Spider-Man. And no her dumping him again twice doesn’t count.

 Gee, four break ups across 40+ years = constantly apparently.

 “Comic books can't just rely on action, they also need to have drama. One of the most common places writers create drama is in the hero's relationships. It's probably very hard to date a superhero, and it's understandable that not everyone would want to sign up for that ride. At some point, however, enough is enough.”

 I’m not saying I’m innocent of lazily repeating the same words and phrases over and over again, but I also don’t get paid to write for a big website.

 Also, wtf does enough’s enough even mean?

They broke up a few times, one due to genuine issues, once because of a misunderstanding, once because MJ wasn’t well and Peter was OOC (which doesn’t count) and every other time also because they were both OOC.

 “It's hard to feel bad for them when Peter and Mary Jane break up, because they do it all the time. He's always focusing on saving people, she's constantly moving to another part of the country to work on her career. When Mephisto forced them to break-up, he could've just waited a few months and gotten the same result.”

Again all the time and constantly does not = 4 times across 40 years.

Also that wasn’t Mephisto’s endgame but whatever.

10 HOW DID SHE NOT NOTICE OTTO'S MIND IN PETER'S BODY

Hey look, the secod legitimate point on this list. The answer was because bad writing.

9 HOW DO THEY AFFORD THEIR APARTMENTS?

“A common complaint across various forms of fiction is that characters always seem to be able to afford apartments that they shouldn't be able to. For Spider-Man and Mary Jane, however, it's pretty bad. Of course, there are times when Mary Jane's career is going very well, which explains how they can afford a nice apartment.

For the most part, however, Peter is a struggling photographer and she's a struggling model. Somehow, they are consistently able to afford apartments with giant skylights. ”

 If this happens across most fiction in ways which aren’t more egregious than anything else (because Joey and Chandler’s apartment is egregious given their jobs) then it’s not worth mentioning on this list.

“Seriously, Tony Stark would struggle to afford some of the places they've lived in over the years.”

He really wouldn’t.

8 PETER WAS SUPER SHALLOW ABOUT MEETING HER

First off he wasn’t super shallow, he was as shallow as you would expect any teenager to be in that situation.

Also, a teenager being shallow. Thats certainly something that doesn’t make sense and belongs on a list entirely about shit that makes no sense.

“In the early stories, Peter could be kind of shallow. Granted, he was a teenager, but he always just seemed interested in dating the prettiest girls. ”

Ugh...no he didn’t. He asked out 3 young women who were all relatively attractive but none of whom were like compared to Hollywood starlets of the era. There was something of an implication that Betty Brant, his high school love, was not as attractive as the more glamorous Liz Allan whom he typically rebuffed in favour of Betty.

Also if we’re playing the ‘its super shallow to just date the hottest people you can’ then Peter and MJ were no worse than one another at those ages.

“Considering that he was always getting bullied and picked on, he should've been more understanding.”

a)        Being bullied and picked on isn’t innately going to make you more understanding of anybody

b)        Understanding of who? Who was he being inconsiderate towards exactly? He asked out two girls he was attracted to, attraction being an involuntary thing in the first place. He presumed his elderly not hip aunt who described MJ as being a good house wife was going to pick someone unattractive or boring, especially considering that if she was going to be set up with him she probably couldn’t get a date with anyone else. Meaning in his teenage head she must be unattractive

“Then, when he found out that she was beautiful, he was suddenly interested. ”

 My God how dare characters as teens be shallow and flawed. It makes no seeeeeeense!

 “It turns out, Peter's type was "any girl that looks good, regardless of her interests or personality."”

 That’s true which is why he quickly began to turn away from MJ because he found her shallow and preferred Gwen who was seemingly not shallow...

 7 WHY DID SHE NEED TO BE SET UP WITH PETER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

...huh?

 “Every comic book fan knows the story of how Peter and MJ met. A recurring plot line in early Spider-Man stories was Aunt May constantly trying to set Peter up with her friend's niece. The two didn't actually meet until The Amazing Spider-Man #43 (1966) by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko, when Peter opened the door and she said the iconic phrase "face it tiger, you just hit the jackpot!"”

 Wow...the degree of incompetence in this paragraph is truly impressive.

 First of all it was ASM #42 not #43...how do you fuck that up. More importantly it was with Lee and Romita Senior not Lee and Ditko. SERIOUSLY how do you fuck that up.

 “What's weird about this, however, is that Mary Jane was a beautiful and outgoing girl. Peter was busy being Spider-Man, and was considered a nerd by his peers, so it's understandable that he'd need help getting dates. Mary Jane, on the other hand, should have been doing just fine.”

 Lets ignore how this was explained in Parallel Lives a story which has a major plot point referenced by the article more than once.

...why is this presumption Mj NEEDED to be set up. Maybe she just agreed as a favour to her aunt.

6 HOW DID SHE KNOW TO SAY THE JACKPOT LINE?

Because she knew she was sexy and could tell by his reaction he didn’t realize that and was taken aback by it.

“Ok, this might seem like a nitpick,”

Why let that bother you now.

 “The famous scene where Peter and Mary Jane first meet plays out like this: Peter answers the door, and Mary Jane is standing and delivers the famous line. It's a memorable moment, but it also doesn't make any sense.

Mary Jane never met Peter before this.”

Not formally no, but yes she had and knew what he looked like.

“How did she know she was a "jackpot" for him? Maybe she wasn't his type?”

His reaction spelled it out for her.

“For all she knew, he could have answered the door and been very disappointed. Also, maybe he wouldn't care what she looked like? It was a pretty arrogant thing to say, looking back, and she's lucky it didn't backfire.”

 *rolls eyes* oh fuck off.

5 THE REASON SHE CALLS HIM TIGER MAKES NO SENSE

“For years, everyone focused on the "jackpot" part of Mary Jane's famous introduction, but apparently, Peter was focused on a different part. Apparently, he never understood why she called him "tiger," especially because the nickname stuck. In all honesty, it's a good question. Especially during those early years, Peter Parker was anything but a "tiger."

In the original Clone Saga that ran during 1975, Peter actually asked Mary Jane for the reason. It turns out, it's because he's not a tiger and she's just playfully teasing him. That's fine, except why did she say it the first time she met him? How did she know he wasn't a "tiger?"”

a)           Because she called everyone that

b)           Because Aunt May and Aunt Anna probably told her about him

 4 THEY DON'T EVEN TRY TO HIDE KNOWING EACH OTHER

Yeah they do.

 “Peter's never been great at keeping a secret identity.”

Yeah that is why hardly anyone knew it before Civil War...

 “His entire scheme is that he takes pictures of himself fighting crime as Spider-Man, and then pretends that he's just Spidey's photographer. He's basically telling everyone that he's connected to the wall-crawler in some way.”

Yet it worked so obviously he is good at hiding it.

 “Even worse, whenever Spider-Man runs into Mary Jane, they often blatantly talk to each other in public. They always forget to pretend that Mary Jane isn't supposed to know Spider-Man. ”

He talks to lots of people in public and MJ has the easy cover story of knowing/dating Spider-Man’s friend Peter Parker.

“That, or they go way over the top and really awkwardly state that they don't know each other.”

No they don’t.

“At some point, someone's going to notice Spidey flirting with Peter Parker's wife and put two and two together.”

Yet they never have so...

 3 HOW DID SHE FIGURE OUT HIS SECRET ID?

“As previously stated, Peter is kind of terrible at keeping a secret identity. ”

As previously stated no he isn’t

“Often times, Peter doesn't even get caught as Spider-Man, people just end up figuring it out.”

Again a lie from the author who didn’t even know Romita Senior isn’t Steve Ditko.

“For example, after dating Peter during the '70s and the '80s, Mary Jane broke up with him, moved away, and then came back to New York. ”

Actually they broke up in the 70s and began dating after she returned in the 80s.

“When she returned, she revealed that she had figured out his secret.

While that made sense, later stories contradicted this. It was eventually revealed that she saw Peter leaving his house dressed as Spider-Man the night Uncle Ben died. So, she didn't figure it out. Obviously, this was a retcon, but the result is that Mary Jane lied to Peter. She didn't figure anything out!”

a)           Seeing Peter Parker enter an abandoned house and Spider-Man emerge would count as figuring out his identity

b)           She never actually told him directly she figured it out like she was a goddam detective

2 THEY BOTH KEEP HANGING AROUND THEIR EXES

As do most comic book characters...

“Both Peter and Mary Jane had healthy dating lives before marrying one another. There's nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, it's strange how they're both constantly hanging around their exes. ”

Or refreshingly healthy...

“Peter still brings Black Cat around constantly, and he and Betty Brant are still very close.”

He dated Betty as a friggin teenager and the author reaffirms he doesn’t understand what constantly means.

“Meanwhile, Mary Jane dated Harry Osborn while they were both in college, and the relationship did not end well for him. Now, years later, everyone is always hanging out together and that's a little strange. Hanging around with your exes typically leads to disaster, and based on how many ex-boyfriends and girlfriends are around, Peter's Spidey-sense should be tingling.”

Or again healthy and an affirmation of a deep bonded friendship that goes beyond personal baggage from when they were young and dumb.

1 GWEN WAS MEANT TO BE PETER'S TRUE LOVE, NOT MJ

Again, not something that doesn’t make sense. In fact it makes less sense for Gwen to be his true love since they were not a great match and true loves are fairy tale bullshit.

 “The end of Gwen Stacy is one of the most defining moments in comic book history. Up until that point, the hero saved the girl. Part of what made this story so memorable was that Gwen Stacy was always meant to be Peter's one true love.”

As far as Stan Lee was concerned yes but not everyone else.

Also OTLs are bullshit.

“Her demise rocked his world, and he's still affected by it, even to this day.

That's understandable, but it also strains Peter's relationship with MJ. She's always been understanding, but how many times can she come across him crying over Gwen's picture in the attic before it starts to effect her.”

He has literally never ever done this ever.

“She's constantly being reminded that she might be Peter's second choice.

Again with the misuse of constantly and no she isn’t because Peter has told and shown her she isn’t second best more than once.

And again, not a thing that doesn’t make sense however you slice it.

You what really doesn’t make sense.

This person being paid for this garbage.

[stupidpianist]

14 november 2018

It’s 16:48 right now and I’m in the music library. Idea for the Mastodon account to track ‘daily movements’ with more accurate timestamping is working well, really simplifies the process and I’m able to get a lot more precision/small details I would’ve neglected to include through that, but I’m feeling like doing today’s liveblog in a more paragraph-oriented format, sans timestamps?? ‘Throwing the timestamps out the window’ today, just feel like writing ‘off the dome’ in a less structured way, though still linear, hope that’s okay with y’all, if not, please feel free to skip today’s liveblog, please, please, come right this way, right this way, right on out of this paragraph and into whatever other thing you’re reading, pay no attention to little old me.

Woke at a semi-reliable time after ‘sleeping aggressively,’ I feel, really ‘hard’ sleep again. Woke with really heavy eyelids, which is unusual for me, usually if I’m tired I’ll just fall right back asleep, or if I know I need to wake up, I’ll feel groggy, but not tired, just ‘out of it.’ NOT TODAY, THOUGH!!! Today I was just all, whoa, it’s actually a struggle to keep my eyes open. Still somehow scrounged up the energy to make my way to the bathroom to brush, made some oatmeal, took a G Fuel ‘to the face,’ stared at my computer in catatonia until I had my meeting with one of my professors who’s helping me with recommendation letters. Oh, I also showered, yeah, that’s important, yes. Morning was spent in a state of complete stupor, entire head felt heavy and ‘anvil-like,’ I think, felt really cloudy.

Was the first actually cold day of the season, I think!! Which was exciting, I’ve been waiting for winter for a long time, if I can say something like that. Feels good to ‘don’ the ‘big puffy white jacket’ for another year. I’ve had that thing for, like, what, five, six years now at least?? Always said that once it finally wears out completely I’m going to get it repaired rather than buy a new one, that thing is staying with me ‘til the bitter end.’ Considered getting Five Hour Energy en route to campus but decided against it, and just walked while listening to Kero Kero Bonito while trying to regain some kind of cognitive ability before the meeting.

I guess as a way of ‘self-therapy’ for my unacceptably groggy state I decided on Knausgaard over Foucault to read while sitting outside the professor’s office, which is my favourite office. I wrote about it in a prose poem thing a while back, let me find it, wait:

‘My professor, Maggie, pinches at papers on her desk, and I notice a stunning array of mugs and thermoses that line this massive wooden table against her back wall. There’s one student in her class who sits in front of me and uses a MacBook Pro with a pink, soft-finish case. Without fail, at some point in every lecture, she’ll open a tab in Chrome, and start playing gigantic, full-screen, thirty-by-sixteen games of Minesweeper with such speed, efficiency, accuracy, that I’m more than blown away. On some days she managed a poker game simultaneously, and still continued to take detailed notes.

As I stand in Maggie’s office, Maggie glances up at me and says a few more things, and I thank her, then turn and leave. The floor is linoleum, and my boots make ridiculous, annoying, squeaky squelches.’

Could do with some severe editing, I feel… No longer feel ‘happy’ that I wrote this in much capacity, except for concept. Wait, let me just do a quick rewrite:

‘I’m noticing this stunning array of mugs and thermoses that line the massive wooden table against my professor Maggie’s back wall. There’s one student in the class who sits in front of me and uses a MacBook Pro with a pink, soft-finish case. Without fail, at some point during the lecture, she’ll open a new tab in Chrome, and start playing gigantic, full-screen, thirty-by-sixteen games of Minesweeper. Sometimes she managed a poker game simultaneously.

I’m standing in front of Maggie’s desk. Maggie glances up at me and says a few more things, and I thank her, then turn, and leave. The floor is linoleum. My boots make ridiculous, annoying, squelching sounds.’

Hm. Still ‘not happy with this,’ but it feels marginally better? I’ll come back to it, don’t want to ‘abandon’ this topic ‘quite yet,’ feel like ‘there’s something there,’ just haven’t really ‘teased it out’ at all.

So yeah, yeah, I met with Maggie, which took a few minutes. She informed me of the next Miltonmas, her annual celebration of Milton’s birthday, and also informs me that he’s turning 410 years old this year. Feel ‘tremendous levels of excitement,’ might ask A if she wants to go? Seems unlikely that she’ll want to for a myriad of reasons but I’m not gonna miss it unless I’m, like, severely ill.

Jesus as I’m writing this I still feel so so so out of it, probably had one too many beers last night for sure. Need to be up really early tomorrow for a work shift, so I can’t be going to bed late tonight, which is sort of, like, a blessing, so even if I wanted to stay up for whatever reason now I can’t.

After the meeting with Maggie, which went well, as they always do, Corrina OH YEAH WAIT, it’s definitely spelled Corrina unless she intentionally misspelled it on her laptop, I SAW HER NAME on her MACBOOK when we played DUNGEON WORLD LAST NIGHT yeah okay so now we know her REAL NAME AAAAAND we know how to SPELL IT yes so CORRINA was all like, ‘who wants poutine’ on the group chat with Michael, Corrina, Jasleen, Astoria, I, and I was all like, ‘yeah i want poutine’ and she was all like ‘okay meet me at the Starbucks in Eaton Centre and I went all ‘yeah okay.’ So my dumb butt walks to Eaton Centre only instead I go into Place Montreal Trust and I wait by the Starbucks, and Corrina goes all, ‘where are you’ and I go all ‘wait holy crap I’m such an idiot hold on I’m in the wrong building’ so I cross the street and Corrina finds me and we get this gigantic plate of poutine.

Sorry to report: did not taste very good. No no, probably, maybe, like, a light four out of ten? Disappointed. Second bad poutine in a row, need to pay Belle Province ‘a little visit’ to remedy the situation, need some good poutine in my stomach before I risk more bad poutine. So we finish the poutine and then decide to get caffeinated, something I really, really needed given my mental state of just complete BLAUGH, so we head to Starbucks and I completely overspend on a peppermint mocha. God those holiday drinks really GET ME, I love them SO MUCH, everything about the holiday season I ADORE. Tinsel, the music, the atmosphere, the ostensible snow, the wreaths, yeah yeah ALL OF IT, gimme, just-- gimme.

Then knew I needed to practice, even in my semi-conscious-but-more-verging-on-unconscious state, so I say bye to Corrina, who heads back to work, and I take the trek to McLennan, where I check out a copy of  Baudelaire’s Les Fleurs du mal. There’s an amazing website which features a myriad of English translations of each poem, so I’ll be able to cross-reference all of them whilst trying to keep up with the original French. Feel excited to be ‘getting in on this’ finally, haven’t actively read poetry in a really long time, now that I think about it…

Side note: the computer that I used, or, rather, the section of McLennan in which the computer I used was in smelled like poop. Not even like body odour or anything, like, straight up feces. Was really bad, that’s when I decided I’d just use the computer to see where the Baudelaire book was, and then ‘get the heck out’ and not update the liveblog, would save that for the ‘safety’ of the music library, which I mostly prefer to McLennan anyways.

Is now 17:16. Blasting Igorr through headphones, really don’t want to go practice but know it’ll be good, or, at least, like, mildly fun. Maybe I’ll throw some Schubert under the fingers, or something?? I don’t know, I don’t have many days until I need to record prescreenings, but I’m feeling confident, maybe I’ll take a ‘rest day’ and focus on pieces I don’t need to prepare?? Keep the pieces that I need to record’ fresh’ and not just repeated to hell?

OH OH I know what I’m gonna do. Gonna print out some Thalberg to read. Never get tired of Thalberg. Thalberg, my love. Oh-so-neglected. Hahahahah I’m just spouting nonsense right now, need to leave the computer before my brain further devolves. OKAY onto the PRACTICE ROOMS see you later for the first inaugural ‘Soundtrack of the Day’

20:40: Watching livestream of Megan Boyle reading entirety of Liveblog over ~52 hours without stopping; will not be updating this liveblog any more tonight, please also tune in to the stream, link in Megan’s Twitter

[princessnijireiki]

like continuing off of that post… xavier's a multibillionaire, right? this is canon. and he runs the institute as a charity, presumably like a 501(c)(3) non-profit, in all likelihood, which helps him avoid taxes & stuff; and has his own in-house top researchers (and v. likely materials acquisition ppl, or at least proxy companies) to do things like build stealth jets, buy stealth jet fuel, etc.

snipped bc I wrote an essay about it with my goddamn thumbs, ho ho ho, merry christmas

like when I googled, apparently in "new x-men" #129 a char. called fantomex cites the xavier institute's worth at being about $3.5bn, which means xavier has to have MUCH more than that at bare minimum in the semi-annual repairs & rebuilding of that goddamn building— not including the jet, security measures, food & utilities, maintenance costs at an institution that doesn't take donations or charge tuition for at least a decade (even if you don't want to go with a canon of irl-accurate in-verse-improbable school longevity). like when you consider that… yeah, tony stark's a multibillionaire— but he makes & sells a tangible product and var. technologies— forbes thinking tony stark's net worth is ~$12.5bn in comparison while xavier has no known income at all is nothing to sneeze at.

so it beggars the question as to how he can be considered philan-fucking-thropic when magneto, the auschwitz survivor whose apparent assets comes up to like $500mil total in gold he stole from nazis he personally murdered (hard- and well-earned money, if true!), is not only more up-front than xavier about making a team that is a personal army… he doesn't demand respectability & obedience in the face of human oppression… AND he runs (ran? idk which genosha we're on rn, it keeps getting attacked/destroyed) a whole island meant as a safe haven for any and all mutants, regardless of what they look like— and entirely separate from his vigilante/activist work with the brotherhood— free of goddamn charge.

or, yk, it's also really interesting when you also remember how charles xavier has never thrown the morlocks a dime, and they all, adults & children alike, are mutants who live in the fucking sewers in nyc because they are too "ugly," too "dangerous," can't, or don't want to survive aboveground with humans. some were abandoned. some were on the run. some are fucking preschoolers. there's been multiple canon occasions in the comics and cartoons showing how the morlocks starve or go without medicine unless they steal it… because there's no jobs for them, or when there are, no businesses that want to take their money and allow them to buy a goddamn loaf of bread. there but for the grace of god go several of charles's x-men themselves, and they all know it… but still, not a red cent to show for it from the pockets of professor x.

there is literally a christmas special episode of x-men: tas— it came out in 1995— where it falls to storm & jubilee (the only woc on the team, one of whom is a child) to advocate for one dying morlock child who was turned away from the hospital… against wolverine's vocal protests, natch… while the professor is oh-so-happy to have helped (by providing what… transportation? wow™️) well after the fact, without addressing either the direct issues at hand: why didn't you address the suffering of this morlock child before now, when you could pinpoint a single mutant & then fly to africa to recruit storm all those years ago? why don't you pay for the damages caused by these morlocks searching for medicine? why don't you just buy them some fucking medicine & beds & winter coats?— or the systemic ones.

he claims to be a paragon of virtue & a good example for mutantkind, but it makes you wonder why dr. cecilia reyes*, a human passing darkskinned dreadlocked nuyorican mutant from the bronx with psionic plasma powers and an MD, quit the x-men to run an underground mutant clinic out of her apartment instead, bc that was doing more good in her eyes— helping all the kids who slipped through the cracks while xavier had the means to find them & help them, even if not to give them new homes, but chose not to— than continuing on as a member of his shiny super heroic team of Good Mutie posterboys. it makes you wonder how fucked up it is that she's right.

* (cecilia reyes is about to be portrayed in the new x-men asylum au movie as what looks like an evil psychiatrist by alice braga, so… that's special. thanks for that, 20th century fox… lol but I digress.)

when it is within the power of charles xavier to "lead by example" less with posturing & waging mutant vs. mutant battles and more with mutant welfare & rights, you gotta wonder why the fuck he's chosen the "You Thuggish Bad Mutants Hold the Movement Baaaack" hill for other folks to die on over public philanthropic works for the benefit of his fellow mutants & as, like, concrete examples to cite while arguing in court against mutant registration & discrimination laws, rather than, "but mr. president: I'm not like Those Mutants! I'm one of the Good Ones!"

and yeah, there's a good amount of fighting genocide robots in there, and a solid dash of saving the world, including humans. but there's also been like a dozen different future timelines the x-men have had to avert with time travel antics, where that uncle tom uncle remus fictionalized cheerful negro bullshit didn't work at all, even a little bit, and mutants were tattooed or branded or hauled off to death or labor camps or live as an underground resistance force against those things… and then they go right back to beefing with mystique. with callisto. with magneto. with emma frost.

maybe halfway because they're villains doing ~bad things… but halfway because you can tell we're supposed to think they're so much worse than fucking catwoman or the mandarin or the vulture for doing the same things (or, ofc, the REAL "I'm not racist!" racist's zinger: as bad as or worse than hydra, the red skull, and real life hitler)— because they were oppressed "the wrong way" (militant! angry! not cooperating with police!); and because they had to audacity to ~make life harder~ for xavier and his boy scouts, not ACTUALLY by making mutants "look bad," but by existing & getting in the way of xavier's illusion that if you kiss enough ass and ignore enough "undesirables" within your community, maybe the people crushing you underfoot will grow a sense of pity… and if they don't, it must be some bad mutant's fault.

because people would rather believe in the as-yet-unseen virtue and repentance of fascists and bigots who sieg heil and proudly proclaim they want you dead to be a real thing, attainable through patient suffering, even while those fascists aim the gun they made especially for killing "your kind" at your hearts & in your homes, than to ever believe that hurt & oppressed & marginalized people didn't, don't, and never will do anything to "deserve" or "earn" their oppression.

bolivar trask wants magneto dead the exact same way he wants kitty pryde & scott summers dead, and charles xavier investing billions into saying, "don't shoot! I'm on the neighborhood watch, too! we aren't all scary, mr. zimmermann! let me prove it to you!" vs. "just don't fucking shoot, I literally don't need to give you any more reasons than that or argue my worthiness of remaining alive, because you do not have the fucking right to shoot me nor are you entitled to my silent complacence on the matter" is some toothless, self-serving, clearly white-authored nonsense.

and I know xavier vs. magneto is meant to be this piss-poor civil rights allegory (and somehow a horribly mangled ahistorical one, at that, considering the x-men debuted in the '60s) positioning the two as analogues for mlk & malcolm x, respectively; of course, to the fictionalized version of dr. king's benefit, despite the pop cultural "schism" between those two men largely being manufactured by the same folks invested in keeping both men's mouths shut or bth men dead to begin with.

but if you gave martin luther king three and a half billion dollars before he was assassinated, even adjusting for inflation, I would bet all the money I have now that it would've been spent more on voter empowerment, school breakfasts, job placement services, and bail money for arrested activists & demonstrators than he would ever spend on a fucking mansion, private jet, or appeals to those who would silence the unheard while stepping over the less-visible oppressed ~beneath his notice & ignoring the "macedonian call for aid."

and so it's not just bad writing, but it also manages to insult the memory and legacy of civil rights work for black americans and other communities as well to position this character in this position of informed-virtue supremacy by borrowing the language & evoking the imagery of an assassinated radical activist to specifically tear down other oppressed peoples/their fictional analogues for not being pure enough and not being willing enough to lick the right boot heels while taking enough kicks to the face to "earn" the equality & respect their [dangerous/criminal/monstrous/violent] [behaviors/cultures/upbringing/looks] are holding them back from being graciously given by the people holding the knife.

[pghbabesonbikes]

Frigid Bitch 2018 Results

The 5th Annual Frigid Bitch: …not the coldest, …not the warmest, …not the longest…

At 9am on Saturday February 17th, 2018, the race organizer drove down to the north shore trail to check for ice and found herself staring at the river. There was no trail. Pittsburgh was flooded, the Point was underwater, the steps and railings leading down to the trail were protruding out of 10 extra feet of river along with signage and street lights. Well shit. That would fuck up the route map. Or would it? One of the checkpoints was on the West End Bridge, (or more accurately - under it, in the pedestrian tunnel) and most cyclists would either know or check the map and see the best way to get there is to take the trail. But from the kayak rental station under the Three Sisters Bridges to the Carnegie Science Center, the trail was The Allegheny. Well, if anyone follows the map and ends up staring into the river, we’ll chalk that up to race-day obstacles. They’ll just have to find their way around it.

Set up started early at Spirit, bike-rack equipped cars were already in the lot, and randonneur extraordinaire Monica VanDieran popped in first thing for the second year in a row to grab her spokecard, manifest and shirt. A steady stream of ladies rolled into the upper lodge to register and claim a corner to huddle over their maps and start plotting routes. An hour later an announcement was made that the race would start in 30 minutes and we were at 95 registered racers, so call your friends! Pittsburgh Babes on Bikes had decided that for our 5th year, in an attempt to beat all known previous records of ladies cycling fields, 100% of the registration fee would be donated to the Greater Pittsburgh Women’s Shelter if the race broke 100 riders. 10 minutes later Ngani Ndimble and Franky Montenegro registered as 99 and 100 and a great cheer erupted around the hall. In that moment, hundreds of dollars were pledged to the Shelter and the Frigid Bitch established itself as Pittsburgh’s biggest ladies’-only race ever. Ten minutes after that, the rules and general info for the race were announced from the stage.

   Make as many checkpoints as you can. Go in any order, via any route. Ride however you want, but DON’T GET HURT. Watch out for potholes. Make sure the volunteers get your spokecard number before you roll out! If Paul Beaver tries to make you do something stupid, don’t listen to him. Don’t give my volunteers any shit. Unless they’re Paul Beaver, then give him as much shit as you want. Checkpoints close at 2, race ends at 3. You must be back at Spirit at 3pm! When you get back, FIND ME to check in. Any questions???

From there, the crowd started heading outside to gear up, unlock their bikes, and pile onto the street. One of the volunteers walked out and said “Damn, there’s so many ladies out here! It looks like we’re about to take down the government or something!” Still 5 minutes from the start, the clusterfuck on 51st street started to back up towards Stanton ave. Incoming brunchers were stuck between Butler st and Spirit, and very few racers felt inclined to make way. The clock ticked towards noon. Returning 2017 racers laughed that the light at the end of the street would again be red for the start, so at the last second the proverbial starting shot was moved to the moment that light turned green. A panicky last-minute rider showed up to register, and 106 kick-ass Frigid Bitch racers surged forward towards the checkpoints!

THE CHECKPOINTS The Button The closest checkpoint to the starting location was the Button, a concrete slab on the side of the river that doubles as a semi-secret hang-out spot. The route map showed a set of railroad tracks at the end of a nearby street, which had to be followed on the diagonal across an off-camber grassy stretch. Originally, volunteers were going to stand on the button and make racers ditch their bikes, climb down a rooty mud cliff, and clamber up next to them to get credit for the stop. HOWEVER, when the guys arrived to set up the checkpoint, they immediately realized that was not going to work. The button was completely submerged in the river. No trace of it was there to be seen. So instead, they built a fire on the traintracks and told racers they’d make extra points for shotgunning a beer (untrue). "A" for effort!

Stanton Ave Another nearby checkpoint was not at all secret - the top of the well-known brutally long climb that is Stanton Ave. Impossible to approach from any direction without slogging up one of many hills, your only option is steep or steeper. A lot of racers opted to get this checkpoint out of the way first, and then stop for a minute for one of Bruce’s hot toddies at the fire station. Hell yeah!

Troy Hill Stairs For anyone who decided to hit the button first and then make their way west, the next checkpoint down the river was the massive staircase that connects the sidewalk along route 28 to Troy Hill. Shane was hanging out at the bottom to let everyone know that the checkpoint…was much closer to the top. Some carried their bikes with them (most ditched them with Shane, who ended up fixing a few), hiked up the winding steps and were greeted by a cheerleading squad toting pickles, pineapple, whiskey, and a cowbell. Zack was hopping around and playing “Ring My Bell” by Anita Ward over and over and over on his boombot, and Ryan was yelling for racers to…wait for it…. ring the bell! to get credit for the stop. Frigid Bitch volunteers are the best!

      The West End Bridge Further down the river past the flooded out North Shore, riders had to find the staircase leading up to the West End Bridge’s pedestrian tunnel! Helpfully, Paul Beaver had decorated them out with balloons, and Tim brought back his creepy friend to point the ladies in the right direction. Colin had set up a camp stove with mulled wine and coffee in the tunnel for anyone who needed to heat up some. There was a group of ladies who sure enough, not realizing the river was flooded, not knowing another way around, made it to the washed out section of the trail and decided they were gonna just ride through the water, fuck it. “I didn’t know when I showed up for this race that I’d be biking through the Allegheny River!” Drenched, they rode with frozen feet, until Tim pulled a couple pairs of socks outta his truck and doled em out.

Water Tower on the Hill In the middle of the city, the diva of the checkpoints was the Hill District Water Tower. Anyone following the route map would go across Bigelow Blvd (either up the fast-paced bridge and through a shitty intersection, or along the sidewalk and then up and down the stairs to the pedestrian overpass), up a gnarly hill, up a worse hill, up a staircase, up a brick road, and then either find the dirt trail through the park or climb up a grass embankment where volunteers made them hug the water tower before they could move on. It ruled! Even riders who trekked their own way to the tower found themselves winding up potholed-nightmare roads and climbing other staircases.

   The Wheel Mill and Pocusset The two furthest checkpoints out were also some of the most straight forward - pretty much everyone knows where the Wheel Mill is, and Pocusset is a street that’s been turned by the city into a cyclist-only road connecting Squirrel Hill to the Greenfield Bridge. The Wheel Mill, almost at the city limits, was the furthest checkpoint from the start. The lack of traffic on Pocusset is great, but it’s also a super windy hill, and one rider bombed down it so fast in her determination to kick ass she slid out, terrifying the volunteers. She knows how to power through tho, and made it to the finish beat up but in good time. Pittsburgh was flooding, but the temps were freezing and halfway through the race snow and sleet had started falling. When riders finished and bolted down the steps of Spirit to yell out their spokecard #s, water sprayed from their helmets, down their faces and careened off their noses and gloves to spray anyone around them. Alex K said she had to ride her fixie from the button to the finish line with her signature heart-shaped sunglasses clenched in her teeth bc they were all snowed over. Ladies arrived, soaked and grinning about how hard and terrible and awesome the race was. Women who had just moved here a few months ago came out and met new cyclists, complete strangers rode together, one racer said she had been spectating at the Dirty Dozen when a woman she didn’t know asked her if she’d ever heard of the Frigid Bitch. “No, but I googled it and it looked fun so I just came out!” They were packing into the bar, taking over the tables and floor space, ordering pizza and drying out while the numbers were crunched and the results were tallied.

The Results!! 1st place! Kelly Collier #3 Caryn Willis #6 Elise Rowe #10 Taylor Kyuk-White #666

5 - Franky Montenegro #102 6 - Monica VanDieran #4 7 - Jen Damon #42 8 - Suz Falvey #99 9 - Anna Biebersmorf #86 10 - Sarah Skelly #47 11 - Sarah Ralich #16 12 - Anna Barensfeld #11 13 - Robyn Brewer #8 14 - Kelsey Kradel #19 15 - Cora Devoir #45 16 - Barbara Jensen #32 17 - Heather Knupp #25 18 - Allison Glick #72 19 - Julie Baker #70 20 - Bernadette Brogden #67 21 - Alex Korshin #62 22 - Samone Riddle #64 23 - Jessie Appleman #44 24 - Laura SanBoeuf #77 25 - Alyssa Crawford #103 26 - Ru Emmons #43 27 - Chloe Newman #36 28 - Paige Anderson #48 29 - Naomi Anderson #34 30 - Megyn Sybeldon #35 31 - Katherine Jordan #84 32 - KateCampbell #41 33 - Alex Anna Angela Shewczyk #29 34 - Jamie Martina #69 35 - Cansu Ozen #51 36 - Shaena Ulissi #26 37 - Jane Runyan #63 38 - Maria Bajzek #22 39 - Paula Zamora #28 40 - Catherina Armbruster #50 41 - Sarah Pearman #53 42 - Lindsay Dill #97 43 - Ngani Ndimble #93 44 - Lauryn Stalter #101 45 - Lan Tran #95 46 - Romina Rozar #81 47 - Sara Khalil #74 48 - Tara Seplavy #55 49 - Ania Jaroszewicz #38 50 - Riesa Lirette #14 51 - Emily Palmer #92 52 - Elise Fantom #23 53 - Emily Persico #54 54 - Dani Kramer #7 55 - Beverly Bendax #107 56 - Dayana Rivadeneira #30 57 - Bonnie Weibel #76 58 - Genevieve Everette #37 59 - Mary Jackson #73 60 - Milo Spiders #13 61 - Hayes Vif #1 62 - Sabina Sloman #98 63 - Sarah Wasilewski #83 64 - Bridget McCoy #24 65 - Catherine Oldershaw #100 66 - Leah Nicolich #56 67 - Jaime Park #33 68 - Meghan Warren #58 69 - Morgan Tunstall #59 70 - Kacyn Keys #21 71 - Ellen Kiley #40 72 - Alex Falk #27 73 - Cindy Billisits #79 74 - Katt Schuler #96 75 - Jaclyn Sternick #75 76 - Ryder Lythos #80 77 - Tobin Seastedt #20 78 - Shannon Kenyon #12 79 - Erin Potts #60 80 - Molly Orzechowski #18 81 - Cat Woodson #31 82 - Susan Carlson #46 83 - Sally Folan #15 84 - Laura Jones #57 85 - Joanne Anderson #39 86 - Sara Crawford #49 87 - Rachel Ding #78 88 - Rebecca Jacobson #61 89 - Elayne Filio #17 90 - Nancy Jones #87 91 - Jolynn Gibson #2 92 - Maureen Duncan #9 93 - Athena Marsh #85 94 - Rachel Zaydak #52 95 - Katie Blackburn #65 96 - Joi Roboch #104 97 - Holly Wik #66 98 - Dirty Jones #71 99 - Erica Gamerro #88 100 - Demetra Czegan #68 101 - Amanda Glevicky #89 102 - Gina Gowins #91 103 - Megan Lovett #90 104 - Hana Swift #82 105 - Sarah Grossman #94 106 - Carrisa Mendez #105

            The Donation This exhilarating bitch of a race definitely has its obstacles - from the cold, snow, ice, floods, stairs, mud, brick… - but registration fees won’t be one of them. As long as we are running it, it will always be $5. With 106 registered racers, all of whom made it to the minimum 1 checkpoint, the registration money in its entirety will be donated to the Women’s Shelter this year. Inspired by that goal, registration #s were matched by two outside benefactors, bringing the amount raised to $905. Congratulations to all the ladies who hauled themselves to Spirit; YOU made that happen! Two decades ago 100 pro cyclist women raced the streets of Pittsburgh in pursuit of the US championship and a $25,000 prize purse. This year at the Frigid Bitch you broke that record in the pursuit of alley-cat glory and support of victims of domestic violence. Pgh Babes on Bikes is so proud, and grateful for making our 100+ rider dream come true, we are going to bump that number up to $1,000. Cuz it just feels like a good number to put on a check. THANK YOU to all of the racers who came out to bust apart records, kick ass and grant wishes. Thanks to all the volunteers, for showing up, cheering, bringing hot booze, doing hilarious shit and gettin creative with your stops! Thanks to the photographers for memorializing this race forever and catching everyone’s glee and embarrassing moments! Thank you to the video team; we CAN’T WAIT to see what you do with the race footage! Thank you to my lovely assistants and stage bouncer, and to my little brother for the epic, amazing, incredible artwork. THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS, who donate mountains of swag so no matter how big our numbers get, everyone gets rad stuff!

                                                                                                SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!

[fapangel]

199 chars, I got cites. I'll stick to actions and militia/cult behavior. The sniper attack on power station citation is you missing my point. Antifa has no weapon stockpiles or military training. The groups law enforcement see as a threat are the militias: "Law Enforcement Assessment of the Violent Extremist Threat". PBS: "armed militia groups surging across nation" Cult stuff: Business Insider:"right-wing-militias-recruit-young-soldiers-on-4chan-2017-5" psychologytoday:"the mind the militias".

Firstoff, pastebin.com is definitely the go-to for things like this -there’s no way anyone can make a cohesive argument in that tiny askbox. Just say “pastebin: and it’ll get you past that “no URLs”filter tumblr imposes. But I can answer these points/sources here: 

Have you heard of the John Brown club? They’rean antifa group - the usual insane anarchists - and they’re showingup at protests carrying loaded weapons. The Phoenix group inthat article made a video of themselves doingrange practice. I believe that qualifies as training, youknow, with those weapons you say they don’t have.What fucking training do you think the right-wingmilitias have besides target shooting and playing paintball in thewoods? In other words, exactly what these people are doing? 

And what the fuck do you mean stockpiles? Bro,I don’t know if you’re aware, but we live in America - you know,that free country? If you want a gun, are over 21,and don’t have a felony conviction on your record, you can walkinto any store, do 5 minutes of paperwork, wait for them to call theFBI background-check database and walk out with a new long gun. It’sthat fuckin simple. And they’re not that expensive either, you canget a decentAR-15 pattern rifle for under $500, easily. Same for ammo -you can easily buy bulk, online. The only state where both of thoseare harder is California, and I imagine that suits the huge mobs ofclub-armed antifa cunts just fine, because semi-auto firearms with large reloadable magazines are the best way to counter thugs that badly outnumber you. Stockpiles? That crazy fuck that shot the hell out of a US Representative and two Capitol police officers was using an SKS, a fucking WWII era Soviet rifle that loads from the top with fucking stripper clips. And look how much damage he did - it’s only pure dumb luck that nobody was killed or mortally wounded. 

... stockpiles?  Just how much do you know about guns? Here’s what I found in literally five goddamned seconds on ammoseek.com - you got $290, a credit card, and a shipping address? There you go, a thousand goddamned rounds of .223 Remington. Want two thousand? Three? Change the number in the “quantity” box.

Stockpiles? 

Anyway, I’m not surprised that PBS and pals are back at their fake news, doing their damnedest to gin up right-wing militias as the real threat even as they reply to attack after violent attack by radical Islamists with hey - not all Muslims! Yes, that is the trend; witness this Atlantic article trying to justify it.  But that’s beside the point. For starters, if you haven’t read my 6,500 word post on left wing vs right wing violence and violent rhetoric, I go into some depth with the whole militia thing there. For all their LARPing in the woods, swaggering and shit-talking, there hasn’t been any significant violence committed by right-wing militias since... forever, considering that Timothy McVeigh was never really part of one - and his attack was twenty-two years ago. Moreover, I cover how his attack - and the attention it drew to the militia movement - sent anywhere from “2/3rds” to “80%” (according to two different militia-affiliated folks being interviewed) scrambling away from them at high speed. Protip - actual terrorist organizations tend to attract attention when they manage huge, spectacular attacks - you know, like how Black Lives Matter is still going strong after multiple ambush attacks on cops? Gee. 

And that brings us to the essential point -  if these militias are really dangerous, and not just a bunch of shit-talking LARPers playing soldier in the woods - then where’s the violence? Again, as I document in that post, the only “cells” they find are a few shitheads talking shit in a bar too close to an FBI informant that eggs them on - one of them even gave them free automatic rifles to shoot, to get them all excited. 

As for this study, it’s a start, but this paper freely and breezily equates “anti-government extremism” with “right-wing extremism,” and that’s a false equivalency - because Antifa are anarcho-communists. Just read their handy-dandy guide to setting up an antifa group, where they call the state their enemy multiple times - as well as cops. Shit, they have a whole section on “state repression.” Also note the bit under “political orientation,” where they openly state - in case there was any doubt - that the majority of their membership in the US are anarchists. In case you weren’t aware, anarchists are, by definition, anti-government extremists. The list on page 4 covers “anti-capitalist violent extremism,” but considering that antifa are anarchists and anti-capitalists - where do they fall in the reporting? Did every agency report them the same? In light of antifa’s own literature (again, that guide) advocating strongly that they not even name their groups and keep their identities secret as long as possible, how accurate is each agencies accounting? Hell, where do right-wing terrorist groups fall on this scale, considering there’s several anti-immigration militias that focus on finding and reporting illegal immigrants? Doesn’t that qualify as racist? Or are they anti-government, considering that anti-government sentiments tend to run pretty strong in groups like that, especially with a black Democrat in office who personally did as much as he could to hamper border control efforts?

Shit, by their own admission on page 4, they defined “Al-Qaeda inspired violent extremism” as “violent extremism inspired by the radical Islamist ideas advocated by al-Qaeda and other like-minded extremist groups,” and every other category with one general example; “violent extremism motivated by any other political, social, or religious concerns, including, but not limited to, anti-government, racist, radical, environmentalist, or anti-capitalist views. Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh, the Unabomber (Ted Kaczynski,) and the Sikh temple shooter, Wade Michael Page, are examples of ‘other violent extremists.” So they only define one category well, loosely define the others, and then they start standing around characterizing the results with terminology (right wing, left wing) they didn’t even use in the fucking survey? When all those other categories were lumped together into “other violent extremism” in other categories? 

And then there’s other data-sets - one just adds up every every crime committed by “groups or individuals with far-right associations,” (which would include every skinhead robbing a gas station, which they do a lot, because skinheads are dime-store hoods almost by definition,) and the well defined report - focusing on premeditated plots by individuals or groups that rise to the level of attempted or actual domestic terrorism,” has a whopping total of... 34 incidents listed in 14 years, and is published by the Anti-Defamation League, which is a fucking activist group, not academics, or law enforcement. Wew lad. The Global Terrorism database is better - more data, and a good definition of qualifying incidents - but it’s only being compared to Islamic extremist terrorist attacks in the US, not left wing domestic terrorism, which is what we’re discussing here. 

Bruh, this is some pretty rough shit, here - all twelve pages of it. Especially that bit at the end where they make a claim about how law enforcement agencies see “right wing terrorism” (a phrase used nowhere in their survey to said law enforcement agencies) as a bigger threat in the city than in rural areas. Yeah, dense urban areas, which overwhelmingly vote Democrat, as anyone who’s seen a county-by-county electoral map can tell you, are the hotbeds of right-wing militias? 

Bruh. Bruh. 

But, listen, you’re actually doing your fucking homework here, which is more than most assholes can say, so lemme help you. The FBI is a great resource here - not only do they publicly publish huge annual reports on all sorts of categories of violence, (law enforcement officers killed and assaulted, general crime stats, hate crime stats, etc,) but they watch fucking everyone. There is no group too big or too small for them to not worry about - they’re basically a domestic surveillance agency. That’s why you have agents going out of their way to hand out automatic rifles to a trio of knuckle-dragging rednecks to egg them on till they can arrest them - these guys have time and resources to spare, apparently. They watch everyone - and they cover them, too, with published reports. I’ve read their reports on motorcycle gangs, and in researching that big post on violence, I found (and used) their public information on the “Sovereign Citizen” movement, which is definitely right-wing. While we’re at it, here’s their page on anarchist extremism. Note that page is out of date, though: 

For today’s generation of American anarchist extremists, the rioting that disrupted the 1999 World Trade Organization meetings in Seattle is the standard by which they measure “success”—it resulted in millions of dollars in property damage and economic loss and injuries to hundreds of law enforcement officers and bystanders. But fortunately, they haven’t been able to duplicate what happened in Seattle… 

LOL HAMBURG. But you get my point - the FBI watches everyone, even esoteric groups like anti/pro abortion “activists” that get a little out of hand. So the FBI is an excellent primary source to go to - certainly better than another PBS hit piece which is also regurgitating data from the “Anti-Defamation League” and making claims of “thousands” of people flooding to the Sovereign Citizen movement, without citing any source at all. Especially when they started in on how dangerous sovereign citizens are! As I noted in my big effortpost (see that for the links,) Sovereign Citizens managed to kill six police officers since the year 2000 - but twenty officers have been ambushed and murdered in 2016 alone, with multiple attacks committed by black people acting on black separatist/revolutionary rhetoric, including the Dallas shooting (killing five and wounding nine) and the Baton Rouge shooting nobody seems to have heard about (killing three and wounding three.) The latest ambush murder of a police officer in New York was similarly motivated - I haven’t even counted the ambush killings of cops in 2017 yet. But yeah, man, the fuckin right wing millitias are the real threat! Hooooo boy, how fucking hard can they shill? 

Anyway, here’s the FBI’s resources page, complete with all their copious reports in .pdf format, including several on terrorism related topics. I’ll bet $5 you can make a better argument than fuckin PBS with just what you find here. I’d also track down the sources cited in that 12 page “paper” you linked and read them yourself, see what you can get out of them. That should be a good start, at least. 

[sherrygorugh]

10 Gift Ideas for the Obnoxious Coffee Snob in Your Life

10 Gift Ideas for a Coffee Snob

Table of Contents - Click to Expand

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10. The Chemex Coffeemaker

9. The Kruve Coffee Sifter

8. Lido-E Coffee Grinder

7. Third Wave Water

6. Acaia Pearl

5. VST Coffee Refractometer

4. Gene Café Coffee Roaster

3. Angels' Cup Coffee Subscription

2. Rocket Appartamento Semi-Automatic Espresso Machine

1. Flair Signature Plus Espresso Maker

Affiliate & Free Product Disclosure

Please note: some of the items below contain affiliate links. This means that if you buy one of the items, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission on each sale. I only promote products or services that I have investigated and truly feel deliver value to you, regardless of the compensation I may receive. Please do not spend any money on these products unless you feel you need them or they will help you make better coffee at home.

Coffee snobs are the worst.

I know, because I'm one of them.

Even worse is that whenever a friend or family member talks to me about anything coffee-related, they think I'm judging their coffee interests to the depths of their souls.

This is especially true for coffee gifts.

I can see the trepidation in their eyes when they take on the seemingly daunting task of finding me a coffee gift that will satisfy my snobbery.

But even though it's a challenging task, I still appreciate a thoughtful coffee gift. After all, it is the thought that counts, right?

But wouldn't it still be awesome if you could get a coffee snob a gift that they didn't have to pretend to be excited about?

Hell yeah it would!

So without further ado, here are 10 gift ideas for even the most obnoxious coffee snob...

10. The Chemex Coffeemaker

Chemex 6 Cup Coffeemaker

You can't officially call yourself a coffee snob until you own a Chemex coffeemaker.

So if your coffee-snob-gift-recipient does not already own a Chemex, it's time to help them up onto the bandwagon.

Even if they never use it to brew a single cup of coffee because they swear by, say, the Kalita Wave, it will at least make a great conversation piece the next time they have someone over for coffee.

"I love your vase, Benji!"

You can read my review of the Chemex coffee maker here.

Buy on Amazon

9. The Kruve Coffee Sifter

The Kruve Coffee Sifter

"Do you even sift, bro?"

A coffee snob may ask you this intimidating question, but don't despair!

Chances are good that your coffee snob has not been doing their sifting reps either.

This is probably because traditionally, coffee sieves have been both expensive and inaccessible.

The Kruve coffee sifter has changed this (at least to some extent).

"What is a coffee sifter?" you may be asking yourself.

Well, it's basically a tool that we coffee snobs like to use to get a precise and consistent grind size for the specific coffee brewing method we're using.

You know, cuz our $300+ burr grinders aren't doing a good enough job already. Fortunately, the Kruve is way more reasonably priced.

You can read my review of the Kruve coffee sifter here.

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8. Lido-E Coffee Grinder

The Lido-E Hand Grinder

The Lido-E hand grinder by Orphan Espresso is probably the most popular coffee grinder you've never heard of.

Unless of course, you're a coffee snob.

This grinder has a cult following amongst coffee enthusiasts (euphemism for "snob"), so it's sure to be a winner if the coffee snob in your life doesn't already own one.

Why is it so popular?

Well, mostly because it grinds coffee really quickly and consistently across a wide range of grind sizes. It is also created and sold by a mom-and-pop shop out of Idaho.

This grinder is made especially for espresso-level grinds. If you're looking to grind for other brew methods, you may want to look into either the Lido 2 or Lido 3 instead.

Lido has been on my list for too long now. I think I'll finally succumb to my snobbery and buy one this year.

Buy on Amazon

7. Third Wave Water

Third Wave Water

If you're an avid Shark Tank fan like me, you might have seen these guys strike a deal with Barbara Corcoran not too long ago.

Who knew that Barbara was a coffee snob too!?

Third Wave Water is a small capsule filled with a mineral concoction that is allegedly optimal for brewing coffee.

Simply add the powder from the capsule to a gallon of distilled or RO water, shake thoroughly, and you've got standardized water for brewing coffee.

Though I've been using Third Wave Water sporadically throughout the last year, I've been putting off a review because I am not patient enough to figure out how to measure if it's making a difference or not.

I also live in San Francisco where the tap water is already quite good, so it's hard to say how much of a difference Third Wave Water actually makes.

Still, Third Wave Water is an excellent way to get consistency from your water, allowing coffee snobs to focus on all of the other unnecessary brewing variables we obsess over (e.g. pouring clockwise vs. counter-clockwise, duh).

Buy on Amazon

6. Acaia Pearl

Acaia Pearl

Acaia scales seem to be in every Specialty Coffee shop in existence right now.

Not only do the scales connect to your smartphone or tablet to record things like, weight, flow rate, and brew time, but the scales themselves are also some of the most responsive and accurate in the industry.

If your coffee snob doesn't already own an Acaia scale, chances are they've been eyeing one for a while now.

If they do already own the Pearl, there is also the Lunar, which is a smaller version of the popular scale, but designed especially for espresso with its liquid resistance and automatic shot timer.

Buy on Amazon

5. VST Coffee Refractometer

VST Coffee Refractometer

Coffee refractometers are only for the snobbiest of coffee snobs.

Well actually, this may not necessarily be true.

You see, refractometers are used to measure the amount of actual coffee that is extracted into your final brewed up.

Measured in total dissolved solids, a coffee with a higher TDS has a higher extraction, and therefore would likely be described as strong coffee by the end consumer.

Coffee professionals often use refractometers as a way to use quantitative data to accompany their subjective tasting opinions.

This is very anti-coffee-snob in a way, since a coffee snob would simply tell you a coffee was good because he brewed it as pour-over, in a Chemex, pouring in consistent counter-clockwise circles of 30g of water at a time.

So let's just say that the refractometer is perfect for a coffee snob who's willing to use TDS data to back up his dogmatic coffee routines.

The VST is quite expensive, but you can learn more about it here.

There is also a cheaper alternative on Amazon made by Atago that I'm inclined to try first. You can check that out here.

4. Gene Café Coffee Roaster

Gene Café Coffee Roaster

There are a lot of home coffee roasters on the market these days, but the Gene Café is one that is frequently recommended for a coffee snob's standards.

It can roast about a half a pound of green coffee beans at a time, using "vortex twisting" for a uniform roast across all beans.

Both the time and temperature can be controlled, while the whole roast cycle takes about 15 minutes (including cooling) for a Full City roast level.

This is a great choice for any coffee snob who is looking to start roasting coffee at home.

You can buy the Gene Café Roaster from My Espresso Shop ​here​.

Buy Now

3. Angels' Cup Coffee Subscription

Angels' Cup

Blind coffee cuppings and coffee snobbery don't really align if you ask me. But this doesn't change the fact that a lot of coffee snobs still like to guess origins and processing methods in annual competitions like the Flight of Fancy from Populace Coffee.

So to some degree, I feel like I have to include Angels' Cup on this list because we coffee snobs really enjoy the ego boost we get from correctly guessing a coffee's specs just by tasting it.

Angels' Cup is still one of my favorite coffee subscriptions, so I'm pretty confident the coffee snob in your life will enjoy a subscription or a one-time delivery.

You can read my full review here.

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2. Rocket Appartamento Semi-Automatic Espresso Machine

Rocket Appartamento Espresso Machine

Let's face it, the main reason a coffee snob would want this machine is because it looks so damn sexy.

The Rocket Appartamento is a semi-automatic espresso machine that was designed for serious home baristas. It features an all-stainless steel body with a 1.8 liter copper boiler.

The Heat Exchanger allows you to pull your shots and steam your milk simultaneously, which is important if you're looking to make your drinks quickly.

Of course, you'd probably only want to buy this for a coffee snob you really care about, as it retails for a whopping $1500. Still, in relative terms this is inexpensive for the quality this machine brings to the table.

Make sure your coffee snob has an excellent coffee grinder like the Baratza Virtuoso or Baratza Sette before buying this.

Buy Now

1. Flair Signature Plus Espresso Maker

Flair Signature Plus Espresso Maker

The Flair Espresso Maker is a game-changer in the world of home (and travel) espresso.

This completely manual work of art operates on 100% human power, meaning all you need is water (hot or cold), finely ground coffee, and some muscle to pull expert-level shots of espresso.

If you're feeling really ambitious, you can get the Flair Espresso Signature Pro, the latest model in Flair's expansive lineup.

Check out my full review of the Flair Signature Plus, here.

Buy on Amazon

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